I really hate you right now.

You make me feel disgusted with myself, embarrassed.

I replay it in my head and, I can't get over it.

I replay the withdrawal I fell into afterward with everyone and thing except for my art and, I regret it so badly.

I replay every instance of backlash from my withdrawal and, all I can feel is a different kind of pain.

The kind of pain that only friends can cause. Almost a feeling of betrayal - because it is a feeling most unexpected from friendship.


Friendship. A gift that I treasure so deeply.

Eight friendships of mine have deteriorated. I don't even know if I can salvage any of them.

Our friendship deteriorated. Damn, I miss what we had before anything happened so much. It was a cute and pleasant friendship. One that I could go "aww" at. And things just aren't the same anymore.

No matter how you said that things wouldn't change. They have.


I say that I really hate you right now. But really, it's more myself that I hate. How could I be so dumb as to let myself behave this way? I know myself better than anyone and I know what it's like to have friendships deteriorate before my eyes. I should have been stronger. I should have been smarter.

But I have to blame you. It's the only way I can cope with this situation. Man, I didn't even feel this way with Mike.



I wonder what my life would be like now if I had never joined the debate team.

I really hate you right now.

Love Letter

Dear Reader,

This is not necessarily a love letter. But rather sentences and thoughts that have been carefully strung together from the heart. Last words, if you will, to the person these thoughts are aimed at for when I see him again in early/mid-January of 2011. Most likely, I'll never actually speak this words.

So, this is to relieve myself of my thoughts and my pains. This is for anyone who will listen.

love,
asc.

----

We barely even kissed. We kissed but..it was so rushed and so fast that I can't even remember it. I can remember the feel of your mouth on my body, your hand touching me, my hand..touching you, and then you trying. But, I can't remember the feel of your lips pressed against mine.

I've never been kissed, you know. I've kissed once before but it was not the best experience. I've never been..passionately kissed. Or kissed with feeling.

The most simplest of all physical sexual interaction that usually starts anything and everything between two people. And we didn't do it. We didn't kiss.

I'm the kind of person where every single first of mine is a momentous one. First day of school, first best friend, first crush, first kiss, first boyfriend..you get the idea. But the kind of person where I simply treasure my firsts, not fuss over how I want my first to be like. Even so, I never expected that after my first time doing anything, I would feel so..used. Robbed. Cheated of my first time.

I wasn't even some random girl you met at a club or randomly on campus or through someone else. I was your friend. I was your teammate. I was a girl whom you probably figured had a thing for you. And you went for me anyway, with no intention of taking responsibility afterward.

I know what you're probably thinking: Angela is being "hella weird" right now and making things "hella awkward." You don't get to think that, though. You don't get to tell me that I'm overreacting or that I'm being melodramatic. You don't get to call me the "crazy emotional, virginal little girl." You don't get to think of me the way you thought of your "crazy Christian" ex-girlfriend.

I thought I was over it. I'm not. I don't even have romantic feelings for you -- it's all physical if anything. But because you were my first time doing anything, even if we didn't actually do it, you're no longer just "Brad," the cute guy on the debate team. You're a little bit more than that.


With the new year, you'd think it'd mean a clean and fresh slate. A new beginning. But, still after two and half months, I'm still hurting. And you do not deserve not to know that.

During winter break was fine. I was fine. Of course, I thought about you a little bit every day. How can I not? But the fact that I didn't have to look at your face three times a week helped. I came back to school thinking I was going to be okay and then..I see your face at practice.

And it hurts.

It hurts to want you, simply because I still find you physically attractive and I know nothing will ever happen again.

It hurts to be trying to be your friend, simply because you don't bother to do the same.

It hurts to discover little details about you or little things you do that turn me off, simply because it means that I don't have a meaningful excuse to want you.

It hurts to think about you now, simply because I know I don't respect you as much as I did before.

It hurts to look at you, simply because every time I do, I feel ashamed and embarrassed for how much time I spent in concerning myself with you for the 5 weeks following that night -- coming to the conclusion that it was all a true waste of time.

You were a waste of time.



And you don't deserve to be blissfully ignorant about how I feel. You do not deserve to not know that you hurt me. That you hurt your teammate, your friend.

I deserve better.

18

Kind of a lot happened for my 18th birthday. Monday night - I had fun :) Tuesday night - I had fun :) That's really all there is to know, I suppose.

I'm tired and cold.

I'm irritated.


Thanks.

Withdrawn

Since the start of the year, I was all about meeting new people, making new friends, and really fostering friendships with my floormates. Now, I just don't care. I don't care not because I don't care to be their friend anymore, I don't care because..I just don't have the energy. I'll hear them laughing and having a good time in the hallway and I'll think to myself "that's nice, but I don't necessarily need to be a part of it." I guess you can say I've grown apathetic to the people around me. Keeping to myself. Getting drunk doesn't even appeal to me anymore. The fact that alcohol is loaded with calories doesn't help either.

Within the past two weeks, I've discovered that drinking doesn't help "solve" any of my problems nor does it make me feel even an ounce better about whatever it is that I'm upset about. The want to drink doesn't dull the pangs of odd feelings in my chest. I'll feel this void and I know that drinking won't fill it. I wish it did, though.

Leaving me to my own devices is not good. I think way too fucking much and that just gets me super fucking moody. I need to be occupied. Distracted. But there's no one here who I feel can help me do that. '




Douchebags.

Sanity is Overrated

Can't live with them, can't live without them. Right?

Ha.

PT5K & Chipotle

Thisss past weekend was the Pacific Meets The Delta Swing Speech & Debate Tournament. Placed first in novice prose at the Mustang (Delta) Invitational and fourth at the Paul Winters (Pacific) Invitational. I think it's interesting to think about how in IEs, it's not only about how talented you are but what kind of judge you get. In debate, judges base decisions on strategies used and flows and such. I'm assuming. IEs, it's really if the judge likes your style. Either way, the competitor who won PW nprose, I respect her. She's cool.

As for the debate portion of the PW invitational, got 2nd place :) Did NOT expect to get this far. POWER TEAM 5000! haha. Don't know why or even how we got that name but I'm diggin' it. We even placed in novice duo at PW, too. loll. Now, we are an open team. I am not looking forward to next semester. We're gonna get devastated. Dammit.

Chipotle isn't that good anymore. I don't know why. Maybe it was just this instance.

I am awfully sentimental.

Halloween & High Schoolers

This past weekend was the John Schamber High School Invitational speech and debate tournament. When I saw the first high schooler around campus, I sniggered. I don't know why but I just thought it was super fucking funny - to see high schoolers on this campus. I used to be a high schooler. Hell, I could still be one! I am only 17 still. lol.

Helping out with the tournament included checking in PS student-judges in, ballot-stuffing, and opening doors open to locked-from-the-outside buildings for the competitors -______- I wasn't that bad. First I was at Weber Hall Friday night swiping people in and then I just stayed inside the building and just opened the door for whenever. Then on Saturday, I was all over the place, really. Stationed at the education building and then the biology building..haha, that was my favorite. At the bio building, I just got a chair and sat down in front of the handicap push-to-open button. So whenever I saw someone about to come in, I'd lean my head back to push the button and boom, the doors would open like magic. :) The bio building is quite nice. And then I was back at Weber Hall and then Sunday I was WPC. I've gotten so many "wow, your job sucks" and "aren't you having fun" and "do you have to do this all day?" comments. I didn't mind though, it kept the job somewhat entertaining.

Morgan and I got to be the trophy girls. Haha. We handed out the awards to the competitors as Marlin announced them. Damn high schoolers, THEY DON'T STEP FORWARD FOR THEIR AWARD. How the fuck are we supposed to know who to give it to? Some school was bitchin afterwards about how I passed them like 3 times and didn't give them there award. It was funny though, cause Steve was like "if you want your award, no lip." And then their coach got all pissed and Steve was just irritated. It was very lulz.

Friday night, partied at Emma's apartment. I just went in my toga from the toga party. It was fun :) But then had to be at Grace Covell for the tournament by 7:15 - though it wasn't that bad for me because I passed out, like, by 1 AM. ha ha.

Saturday night, went to Sigma Chi's Halloween Bash at the UC. We were there for maybe..20 mins? 30? Before it got stopped because something happened where they had to call 911. It was chill though. And then just did whatever until like 3ish. And stillll had to be at the tournament by 7:15. 2 hours of sleep, man. When I got back to my room, I just KTFO at 6, woke up at 10:20, went back to sleep at 10:30, and woke up at 7:10 for class this morning. Sweet deal, huh? :)

Now, there's the collegiate tournament that we're hosting this weekend that we need to get ready for. Fuck.

Tired

I guess everything was pretty exciting at the start of the year..and things still are! I just..I don't know. Somee things just aren't the same anymore. My schedule is becoming more hectic and I'm getting less sleep during the week. Weekends, too, sometime. There is a speech tournament this weekend. I will probably disappoint again. And I feel terrible for that.

I'm just so tired. Of everything. Absolutely everything and everyone. Well, almost everyone. I'm not becoming annoyed with everyone just..I don't know. I should probably be writing this stuff elsewhere, huh.

Sigh. Whatever.

Uh. Hi.

I don't feel like sleeping.

I'm such a night owl. Hm.

And I don't really know what the purpose of this post is.

My roommate is asleep. She's pretty cool. We get along well.

OH. Three day weekend is coming up. Actually, today is Friday. yeee. Only four of us will be left in our small hall. What will I do? Maybe I'll hang with the kids upstairs. Maybe not. Maybe I'll get some door signs done. Maybe not.

I would really like to make those lemon bars soon.

And I really want to use the word 'hella.' But I refuse to. Sometimes it'll slipped. I think it's slipped maybe 3 or 4 times when I've been around people. A lot of times, to myself, I'll let "I'm hella tired" slip from my mouth. Only because I'm so tired that I forget not to use the word. Damnit. lol.

Oh. I got a job. :)

Yeah, that's it.

New Home

I officially declare UOP my new home. Since I no longer feel like I have a home in SoCal anymore - my family has dispersed in all directions. My mom is at my grandma's, my two older bros have their own apartment, my other bro and sister are both OOS for school and I'm up here, at UOP. While I stayed at my grandma's for the rest of my summer after the move, it's not home.

I went back to socal for the weekend. I visited my old home - where a new family now resides. It tore my heart a little, to see that my pink doll house no longer pink, to see that there was a foreign (to my eyes) car in the driveway, to see new porch lights and actual furniture on the balcony. To know that I couldn't just walk up to the door, unlock it, walk in, yell "hi 'ma, i'm home!" and walk straight up to my room and just chill, well. It actually hurt.

I lived in that house for over nine years of my life that have been especially dear to me. So much as happened in that house. It was, truly, a home. My home.

I still can't believe that a new family lives there now. Damn.

Ten Thoughts

1. I am going home tomorrow :)
2. I guess I'm feeling left out. It's like everyone just blew on past me. Together.
3. I had to start a new blog for my art seminar class. Check it out: www.loveartloveasc.blogspot.com
4. I used to hate drawing. I love it now. It offers me solace. Maybe that will be Solace V.
5. I got three bug/mosquito bites. What the fuck. I haven't gotten one in like..years.
6. Inexperienced.
7. I am not a procrastinator. I am an incubator.
8. I'm tired and sleepy.
9. I miss my socal friends!
10. I care too much, man.

Toga?!

Was pretty lame. Not gonna lie.

Dressing up for it was pretty fun though! :D haha, I looked cuuute. (8 Had a fuchsia colored toga with a plum colored tube-like-top under. So yeah, got there and music was lame and I was just bored in general. Even when I was dancing with peoples - it was very whatever. lol, even when I walked out, I overheard one of the Delta Upsilon guys saying "Hey can you tell the DJ to play more danceable music?" to one of the other DU guys. lulz.

So I got back, feeling that my outfit was wasted on the toga party because..idk, just felt like that lol. I stayed in it while I did some sketches outside in the hall and played Mao with my neighbors. Fun stuff.

**
Man, I started writing this blog like..a week ago, and then again a couple days ago, and now now. haha. Just went to Safeway - firstt time lol. And I am almost done making door signs for my floormates! :) They are lookin pretty gud, if I do say so myself. haha.

Life's good here. I've been tryying to go to the gym when I can. I'm on top of my homework - mostly sketching actually. I'm beginning to like sketching people - it's fun. At least, people's bodies (except hands and feet, though).

I'm really starting to settle in here at school - cleaned my room and organized all my stuff so I have more space. And I just bought edamame! hehe :) I'm excited to be cookin those. And again, my floormates are pretty damned awesome. Every once in a while, I'll think to myself "man, I'm so damned lucky to have a great living arrangement" with the locationn of my room, the room itself, the close proximity of the bathroom, the little room by the staircase we have, and of course the peoples.


In general, this weekend has been pretty shitty for me. Last night, or rather this morning, I went to sleep at 6AM. Just 'cause I couldn't sleep. And I sooo wasn't in the mood to go to PKE's (? pronounced 'pike' at least) dance party. Yep. Anyways, another week has begun! And I have my first test this Friday for my busi law class. I'm kind of excited actually..how weird.

It's been a while.

I love my floormates. I swear, they are the best.

Floormates & MOVE

Last night, spent about two hours with my floormates in the hall just chillin and relaxing. They're pretty cool :) At first I was worried about making new friends - ya know, starting all over - but now I'm not. Everything's all good! Just got class on Monday and fuuuh, kind of not prepared because I need to get supplies. I hope the bookstore is open on weekends? ...

My MOVE trip was to Cosumnes River. It was a bunch of BS for $300 -.- All we did was pull weeds and sit around and talk. I did nott have fun. Ugh. And I'm supposed to go to a pool party tonight - as part of the MOVE experience. But idk yet. I don't want to go but I kind of do..just to meet new people and stuff. We'll seeeee.

AND. Internet is so whack right now. Really pissing me off. At least it's whack on my desktop.

K, I'm out.

UOP♥

I really like it here. Orientation is pretty damned awesome. But let's backtrack to yesterday..

Bro didn't get the car to my grandma's house until like 11AM..-.- so before he came, I told Connie to come over with all her stuff. It was so funny, she came in one car, and two cars followed after her with the drivers all stickin their heads out talking to each other about what to do..haha. So we started loading the mini van and damn..my mom is good at fitting stuff! Like Tetris.

I think we got up there in just about 5 hours..woot! Connie and I both checked in first then we began unloading - unloading Connie's was such a workout..3rd floor! Thank god my room is on the first with a super nearby exit door :D

Unpacking all my stuff took FOREVER but it's all done now :)

ORIENTATION
The Student Advisers and Pacific Ambassadors are so awesome. They put in a LOT of work in for us! I'd explain all the things they did but I'm pretty tired. Just got back from "Cirque du Pacific." It's a carnival/fair-like thing with a dance party and performances from N'Sync, Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, Grease, and others (impersonations). Really, they're so awesome.

One more day of orientation tomorrow - should end at 4 though. Then MAYBE go watch Inception again with some newly made friends :)

Leaving

In NINE hours!!! :))

Man, packing is such a bitch. I'm pretty much done. Just that all my shit is scattered about - because my grandma's house is so crowded now that I can't find one spot to put all my stuff together.

So the new (to me) laptop I got..failed on me already =/ So sad. Really liked it, too. Baaaack to sucky-overheats-Acer!

I started writing this like 20 minutes ago. Now I don't feel like it anymore. lolls. Bye :)

GTFO

Ten Thoughts Tuesday!

1. Can't wait to GTFO of this house, this area, and this SOCAL LIFE.

2. I am happy to be seeing peoples again before I leave in SIX DAYS. yeee!

3. Of course I am saddened by break up of a once cherished friendship of mine..but life goes on. Last week's So You Think You Can Dance's routine with Kent and Neil choreographed by Travis Wall helped me realize that we just need to go our separate ways. After realizing that, it didn't hurt to think about it because I had already moved on.

4. I wish I didn't have an appetite all the time ):

5. My entire family is so dysfunctional. I am waiting for the happy days.

6. I think I'll stick with "Ten Things Tuesday" because I like having a mix of what I'm thinking and current facts (re: my "Five Facts Friday").

7. Mani pedis are nice but no more going to old Asian ladies. They just can't see when they've messed up or missed a spot. And the nail polish just looks too chunky. I'll stick with myself as the manicurist and pedicurist, thanks.

8. I have a lot of stuff that I want to take to school..I really need to reduce the load.

9. It's weird to think that I will be a college student. I don't think it's even hit me that I graduated high school! Unless, it did and I'm just too whatever about it to care. Probably.

10. I hate our economy.

Swimmingly

Yesterday was a good day! :) Started off a little rocky but otherwise, a good day.

Kara picked me up from work and we went to Chaaaa For Tea! Never been there before. Didn't even know it was on Main St. haha. We walked in and boom, three Gab-ers '10 playing Connect Four..haha. Kara and I sat in the back and just chatted and waited for Callyyy to arrive! And then she did :) Seriously, I love sweet potato fries! And Love Potion ;) lols. Cuuute lunch. I have really missed them two. I have really been missing my friends - been around the fambam too much. We left at 3 'cause Kara had some place to beee, so Cally and I went off in search of other things. Like Appalet. And TJ Max, Nu Pair, and Sanrio. TJ Max was fun..hahahah. Tried on some THIGH HIGH BOOOOTS ♥ hehe Cally tried some on too ;) Ooooh, found the cutestt pair of SPARKLY stilettos - Steve Madden is the best.

I got home around 5 and more moving was done. Mom bitched at my because my halter-like shirt was "too revealing" -.-. It really wasn't. No cleavage. Just 'cause I was laying down on my side when my mom saw it and the sides of the shirt were a little loose. She said I looked like a prostitute -_________________- Thanks.

Went back to the house around 7 and didn't do much. But Maggie did call me and we chattedd. Good chat! Then back home, and gym with the cousin. I just swam. And jeez, I haven't swam in 2 years! I was so stupid and didn't even stretch -.- Swimming felt good. I still had to stop midway just to catch my breath and shit but it still felt good. haha. I can't hold my breath for very long =/ I don't understand how swimmers do it. Since I worked out so late at night, I can't sleep now. Sigh. But yes, good day :)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt <--Freaking adorable and has a great way with words.
"To me, the most important thing in trying to speak any foreign language is to not worry about whether you're making mistakes or not. I hang out a lot with these Russian clowns, and they speak very little English and I speak no Russian but we get along swimmingly. Uh, using very few words."

Blank

Not really feeling anything new?

WE STILL HAVE SHIT IN THE HOUSE -.- lol I barely did any moving today. Went to the doctor's and guess what..I DON'T HAVE TB! lols. Then work after and when my mom picked me up and went back to the house, I just crashedd. In my makeshift bed. Which I should take a picture of..anyways..

STATUS: House is completely empty of all movable property (dining table, couches, tread mill, washer&dryer, and organ is still there). Back room is completely empty. Garage is now completely full. lolol.

OHHH! GOT AN IPHONE HEEHEE. I know I was opposed to it at first, like when it first came out cause I'm not a huge lover of touch phones because the screen gets all nasty and shit but..I have to say, using the iPhone is quite fun. And especially since my Nokia 6301 is shit when I reset the phone last month ):
Universal Studios was crappy. ): The day kind of sucked in general. Sigh.

TWO MORE WEEKS.

From Starbucks

So there's a "planned power outage" on my grandmother's block -_______- Cousin and I decided to go to Starbucks to get sum free internet. Woot. I alwayss forget to bring my laptop charger -__- it was fine for the first hour because I actually have some battery life on this Dell Latitude D610 but it went out eventually. Thank goodness my cousin's HP laptop charger works for me too. hehe.

Today should be the last day of moving!

Almost

Almost done with the move. Thank fucking heavens. I can't take one more nosebleed. Seriously, I've had four within the past week. That's more than I get in a typical year -.- It's stressful. But it's almost over.

Then again, I guess it's other stuff that's been stressing me out, too. Like scheduling Universal Studios with FBLA kids..we had the perrrfect date where everyone could go and had rides and shit and then..-.- date change! And then date change again! And then potential date change! See, thing is, this week is so jam packed already that I can't keep changing the date back and forth because..I'd have to, in turn, change the other plans too. Supposed to be DMV appt on Thursday, and then work and lunch with an old teacher and my bro on Friday. I was going to reschedule Friday's "workshop" (the tutoring job) to another day this week so I can get my hours - I was going to talk to my boss today about it. But all the date change shit happened like a few days ago so it was all still up in the air by this morning so..couldn't do it. And THEN, last week, I also completely forgot the Universal was supposed to be this Friday so that's when I already had to reschedule the lunch. When I realized the conflict, I called and rescheduled already but I just left a message and she hasn't responded yet. So then when people were all let's do Thursday for Universal instead, I was like..okayy, kinda good since I have two things on Friday anyway - I'll just do a walk-in at the DMV..but aiyahh.

Thanks for reading the above rant. Jeez. I'm hungry ):

Fucking MOVE

I swear, I'm gonna throttle my mother soon enough.. Moving is such a bitch when you have to do most of the work. Fuck, I'm so exhausted. STILL not completed moved out yet. Got a shit load of crap in there.

And, lols, I'm back to sharing a room with my brother at my grandma's house. Old times.

Before I started packing for the day, went out to lunch with my cousin to Wood Ranch and..haha. Embarrassing. Friendship is allllll I'd like. Anyways, when my mom found out we went out to lunch, she pissed a shit. She is getting more and more uptight as the days pass.

My two guy cousins also came by today to help move stuff from my house to my grandma's. But there was a long period of time where we had to wait for my mom to finish packing whatever she wanted to be moved. So we uncovered my old air hockey table and played..haha. Schooled my cousin for the first few shots and then it became a time. I miss air hockey.

Anyways, I've got work tomorrow and I STILL have graded their papers yet..fuuu. See, now grading it wouldn't seem like such a drag if my boss would just give me the answer keys..it feels like it's too late to ask her for them now, though.

Can't waaaaaaait to leave in three weeks!

Damn the shit

I can't help it. I gotta whine and complain about this horrific dream I just had.

It was DISGUSTING.

And what sucks is that I remember EVERY single detail of it like I always do. Fuuuuuuu.

Never have I wished to forget a dream. Never have I hated my ability to remember all of my dreams. TERRIBLE.

I could be overreacting but..this really is terrible since I remember everything.

I don't even want to tell anyone the details, much less even the people who were involved..

I can't wait for the day where the dream just becomes a fuzz ball.

This makes me want to puke.

It's Official

I have mooooved out of the dollhouse. AT LEAST until the remodeling is done and I'll be back for winter break.. =/

Pretty much all of my stuff is now at my grandma's house and my mom is making me stay here for the night since..yeah, I'm pretty much packed and shit. My mom still has a lot of her own closet to clean up which is why she's not here, too. It's okay though, I guess, my cousin lives here, too.

I have a new laptop! (8 Well, it's a used laptop but still better than my brother's old Acer Aspire. It's a Dell Latitude D610. The model is from 2005 and the only problem I have with it is the stupid hissing you hear when you plug in earphones, the mouse is a little laggy, and the keyboard (although it is quiet) a little difficult to press on. I'm sure I'll get used to it though. And..YES. A computer with BATTERY LIFE. lolols. I'm still taking my desktop to school, though. I don't think I'll be able to do much graphic design on this laptop without slowing it down. My other brother took a look at the system info stuff, he said I won't be able to load a bunch of 'crap' on it, lol. Fine with me, I'll be using this to work in bed or around campus for essays and stuff.

Oh, one thing about my grandma's house that I will definitely not mind..CABLE TV. We stopped our cable like a month ago. I'm so glad I have access to cable now :)

lolol, I also treated my brother to food for the first time..haha, we were at In 'N Out and at first, I thought I was just gonna get food so I pulled out a ten but then he did, too, and when he was about to pull out his wallet I was like "here, I got it" and he was like "oh, for once?" hahaha, it kind of funny. I love working.

Hello, Tuesday

Ten Thoughts!

1. I am dreading the stay at my grandmother's house while ours is being remodeled.. not that I don't like the house is just that it's going to be very crowded.

2. So many people to see one last time before I leave in August but SO LITTLE TIME!

3. I looooove my family :) Not just my 'rents, brothers, and sister, but my cousins and aunts and uncles as well! One of the benefits of being the baby of the family is that even when you're already 17, you are stilllll the baby! So everyone just wants to take care of you :)

4. I can't wait for Universal Studios with the FBLA kids.

5. I found an old movie ticket stub from 2005 - I think it's Andrew's - the movie was for Harry Potter at 7:10 PM. It was only $6.50. That's the freaking morning show price now!

6. I really need to do P90X again..I stopped because of all the shit that needs to be done for the move =/

7. I am loving the fact that I have a JOB. I also miiight have internship as well. We'll see.

8. I am thinking about going to Wood Ranch for the lunch with my bro and my 8th grade teacher?! My former teacher is treating as part of her grad gift to me..and I don't know what else to think of that I would reallyyy like. 'Cause I am craving some baby back ribs..or their sirloin steak salad. And some sweet potato fries. And maybe we'll say it's one of our birthdays..hahah.

9. I can't fucking wait for college.

10. Ten thoughts that are worth publicly posting are really hard to think up of. haha!

Newport Beach

Since we're suddenly NOT moving anymore..mom let me and Andrew go to the beach with our cousins. Wooot, it was fun :) I actually went into the water, too, and rode the waves..kind of. haha I didn't stay too long in there, I wasn't wearing a swimsuit bottom, just underwear and shorts. I was afraid it'd come off T.T and it didn't :)

DUDE THE SAND IS SO DIRTY. Mostly 'cause we sat around a pit and the sand was just dirty from all the coal and shit but..there's a bunch of other shit in there too. Like bits and pieces of seashells. It wasn't the same area of the beach that we went to the first time..which was cleeean. lols, we were between A St and B St. And my cousin parked at freakin' L St..lolol. Had to walk ): It took us 30min to get to her car! But it definitely did not feel that long since we were also house browsing, haha. The houses are very nice. I will own a house in Newport one day.

I'm exhausted and I have work tomorrow morning. I was so exhausted I actually fell asleep next the pit..good thing I woke up beforee they threw in the empty pizza boxes. haha. Laventino's! Yummy foods.

Today was a nice break from all the packing.

The Big Move

It's 4 AM and I JUST finished packing/cleaning the house for the day. Woke up damn early at 7 AM to get shit ready for donation pick ups for 8 and..they never came -.-" I scheduled the pickup online but it apparently never went through even though I got a confirmation email and everything. So they're coming Monday. But we'll be gone by Sunday..

Watched the Psych season premiere in the morning online and then my boss picked me up for work (lol strange sentence). Hehe,my kids are soooo cute. And. PAY DAY. My first ♥ haha.

After work, went with my two older bros to check out their apartment that they're getting in August. They're still renovating but even then, looked kinda shitty to me.

Got home, did a little more cleaning, and just chilled in my mom's room where there was AC. Holy fuck it was so hot today. Didn't start cleaning/packing again until like 8 PM when I woke up from my three hour nap.

Took down the bunk bed, cleaned the living room, packed up my desktop computer, and moree. Actually did a lot today and there's a lot more left! Gotta pack my dad's stuff. And all the electronics. So much to do.

Movers come today, taking all our huge furniture to my grandma's house.

My feet reallyyy hurt.

I will reallyyy miss SG. And this dollhouse.

Out With the Old

So, it is official, my fambam is moving out of the dollhousee. I started packing my room last night and did a lottt more today. The living room looks lightly emptier and I threw a shitttload of crap out of my room and into bags ready for the donation pick up tomorrow morning.

Confession: I am kind of excited to see the house empty.

Confession: I am really going to miss this house. It kind of breaks my heart that we're moving. I've lived here for about 9 years! See, I wasn't really that upset over our first move when I was in the 4th grade because..I was so little and I don't remember most memories that I had in this house. I wasn't attached to it. I still love the old house but I really love this house, too. I like the fact that I live so close to school and..that's kind of part of my rep isn't it? The girl who lives in the pink dollhouse right next to school?

It's not thatt big of a deal, I guess. Since I'm leaving anyway for UOP mid-August. I just won't be able to come back to the same place where I essentially grew up. <--does that make sense? lol

Work tomorrow and then more packing! My room still has so much crap in there that I'm barely half finished.

I'm in love with Mashall Mathers's voicee. Eminem on repeat ♥

Ignorance is Bliss

My take: ignorance is only bliss if ignorance stays as ignorance. The bliss turns into either regret, guilt, anger, all three, and/or whatever else negative feelings when the ignorance has become realized.

For the past ten months, I have been living in ignorance. Just now, I have been enlightened, rather harshly, I must say, by the cold reality.

Three days. I wonder what will happen.

Insanely Hot

I hope Stockton isn't this hot..

Today, Taryn was supposed to pick me up for tutoring but by 10:10, she still wasn't there so I figured that she probably forgot? So my bro just took me. And then, 5 minutes after we left, my mom called me saying that Taryn came.. lol other than my brother being annoyed, it was okay though. I got to Taryn's just two minutes before she and the kids did (she took the kids with her to go pick me up). It was so cute though, when she got out she told me two things:

1. Your mom is so nice!
2. The kids were like "This is her house! I see her zebra shoes!"

haha SO CUTE. 'Cause I wore my zebra print Keds on Monday. In the second group of mixed younger graders, I said to 3rd grader Katelyn: So I heard you saw my zebra shoes? She replied: Yeah, I saw your zebra shoes! I thought you were home because I saw them. They are sooooo adorable. I am so blessed to have a great group of kids. :)

Afterwards, went to Kmart and did some dorm shoppingg! Just bought some storage boxes, bedsheets, and a comforter. And then Super A Foods after. hehe. Cute boyy who worked there. LOL. Then went to my grandma's house and hung out with my cousin while we waited for Andrew to pick me and my mom up (we were using my uncle's car earlier).

Again, today was insanely hot. And it's supposed to be like this for the next few days. Ladies and gents, Summer is here.

Harder Than I Thought

Last night, I got a call about a job posting on care.com that I responded to..I had my first day of work today! Wow, my FIRST job. And I'm tutoring elementary kids in math..haha. It's a lot harder than I thought though. Algebra, Algebra 2 (maybe), Geo, Trig, and some of Pre-calc I can explain. But..serious basic math? Like long division? Was totally out of my element today because I wasn't prepared either.

At first, today was supposed to be kind of like a interview type thing and know the material but just decided to start today. I work for a self-employed teacher. She used to teach at a private school but then decided to leave and start her own kind of thing at her casa and has been doing it for at least five years. And the kids have been with her since they were in kinder! It's a small group though. So while she's do reading comp with one group, I math tutor the other. My first group has five fifth graders and that's the math that I'm having trouble teaching..T.T The second group has two second graders, and one fourth and second grader. They are sooo adorable. And I hate to say this but..the boys are more advanced than the girls..haha.

The pay isn't amazing but I'll live. I'm pretty excited. hehe.

Eminem

I just downloaded a bunch of Eminem's hits and..they are reallyyyy good. I'm listening to it right now while I'm designing more loveasc cards and I don't know whether it's PMS, the fact that I really love what I do with cards, or if it's Eminem's songs but I'm kind of emotional right now. Actually, the wave emotions hit me early this morning while I was trying to fall asleep like around..5 AM? Of how much I'm really going to miss my current friends when I leave for UOP. Of how much I really miss FBLA, actually, because..damn, I'm going to miss the conferences! And, of how much I really miss my old/former friends.

It doesn't seem like they care that much so..what can I do? I certainly can't fall back into old habits no matter how hard I try. This is just one of those situations where I can't forgive or forget or even ignore. Forgive..maybe, actually. Depends if I feel like letting go the grudge I've been holding these past months. It's so weird because I don't usually hold grudges for long periods of time. I'm really good at ignoring! I just can't this time.

Fun Stuff

Today, I played online Monopoly, Risk, Scrabble, Draw My Thing, and Blockles for fourr hours with FBLA kids Nami, David, and Erik, all the while, talking on Skype. haha. It was a lot of fun. Especially with Nami drawing..LOLOL. Omg. So much laughing. Hahaha. I want to play Monopoly again.

I just finished Day 6 of P90X - Kenpo X. Jeez, it's like self-defense class..learning all these kicks and punches. It's a lot of fun though, time passed by very quickly. Right after, FACE MASK :) Man, feels SO good!

Tomorrow, not sure if I'm gonna be hanging out with Melissa, Daphne, and Cathy. I hope I dooo. We were supposed to go hiking but no car. Boo. So hopefully, we can have a baking cupcake day. It'll also be fun stuff. If not, there's always the beach with my cousins next weekend to look forward to.

AND I WANT TO WATCH DESPICABLE ME! I hear it's really kute.

FULLL

1. Omg, I'm so full. Just came back from Ono's and had their kalbi short ribs..sooo good! And then went to Yogurtland had just a little of their mango and pistachio flavors..soo good!

2. I'm really excited for my "new body" when I'm finally finished with this P90X bizness. I looked at before/after pictures of women with P90X and..YAYY. Excited (8 But it's going to be excruciatingly tough. I started yesterday and I'm pretty damned sore.

3. I'm also really excited for the UOP MOVE trip! Just got info in the mail today and was looking at pictures online..hehe it's going to be mucho fun.

4. FBLA is really great and all but..I think I need to stop with my section-officer tendencies..which is alwayss networking and talking. I really need to tone it down. I guess I really am the "social butterfly" that Crystal Sitt calls me? Sure, it'll be helpful for the start of college with making new friends and fitting in but..idk. Now, I'm slightly uncomfortable with it. I have no idea why.

5. I WANT TO WATCH DESPICABLE ME! It's so adorable! I want my own minions and I want to have an Agnes go "IT'S SO FLUUUUUUUUFFFFYY!!" hahaha. I like Disney & Pixar :)

6. I'm pretty damned bored. So bored, in fact, that I am struggling to come up with ten thoughts for this post.

7. Last night, after a tough P90X workout, and showering with my "Mango Mandarin" shampoo and conditioner from Bath & Body Works, I cruised around Rotten Tomatoes and read movie reviews. It's oddly satisfying reading rotten tomato reviews for The Last Airbender. I feel bad for Shyamalan because everyone is hating on him but then again..it was a terrible movie. And now, if there is any kind of movie review that I am going to read, it'll be from Roger Ebert.

8. I won't deny it: I miss my partner in crime.

9. I can't wait for Universal Studios with Linxi and FBLA co. :)

10. I'm going to use Facebook less for now on.

Just CRAP

Thank you M. Night Shyamalan for the shittiest movie I have ever seen. Barely after the first five minutes of Katara and Sokka, I wanted to leave the theater.

The movie lacked personality from the actors, lacked depth, acting SKILLS, DIALOGUE, and definitely lacked a climax. At the end of the movie, Aang, Katara, and Sokka weren't a family. Hell, Sokka and Katara weren't even siblings - not that they ever were. It was just a bunch of people riding a purposeless flying biason with a meaningless flying lemur.

I would love to get all nit-picky about the horrors of The Last Airbender, but frankly, I'm just going to get angry all over again. One thing I will say though..

The fight in the North between the Fire Nation and the Water Tribe..if firebenders actually need fire in order to bend it..why the HELL didn't the waterbenders JUST PUT OUT ALL THE GODDAMNED TORCHES? -_________- And that stupid little scene where Iroh bends fire out of nothing (which is how it is originally)..ridiculous.

And..OH! What the hell was with Aang and the avatar state? I understand that the movie will have to be different from the original story but..the fact that Aang can't enter the avatar state on his own is a huge factor in the plot. However, you've made it seem like Aang DID enter it on his own.

The screenplay was terrible. The actors were terrible. And the special effects were nothing worth going gaga over. All this movie is is a bunch of nice pictures wherever bending is involved.

Full of lulz

I watched Toy Story 3 last night with my cousin and..lulz. The reason why I laughed so much was because..it was all just too ridiculous for mere toys. When the jailbreak began..omg, hilarious. It's just..they're TOYS. How the "bad toys" had Sunnyside under surveillance each night, how there was a secret poker game going on at the top of the vending machine, LOL KEN AND BARBIE! And then the inferno scene..lulz. I will say though, when Andy finally gave Woody away to Bonnie..awww. So sad. Very fitting. haha. In the beginning of the movie, I was like..I wonder which college he's going to? lol!

Can't wait for college♥

Today is the day.

Not really; nothing special about today haha. I've just been watching Grey's Anatomy and it is just so amazing. Now, I don't know if it's just because I've been PMSing and stuff but, the show keeps making me cry! Just finished watching the episode where Izzie and Alex get married. I teared up when they kissed. And the whole thing where her hair begins to fall out..really pulls at your heartstrings.

I love GA. Only here will you find colectomies given as wedding gifts. haha!

Btw, I gotta get out of this house. Been stuck at home for the past week! Well. I did go out last Saturday, came home Sunday morning, then went to paint a friend's house, then went out the next day..but then that's kind of it? Maybe dinner with my cousin tonight. I'm kind of excitedd.

AVATAR IN A FEW DAYS WOOOOOT! (8

Pack, pack, pack!

My sister left for China superrr early this morning. Last time I'll see her until at least winter break! I'll miss her.

Today, was supposed to hang out with Maggie but then..I just got this sudden urge to clean my room. Not just clean my room, to clear it out. To make it bare of anything except my clothes, my mattress, and blanket and pillow. I'm excited to hear the echo of my room. lulz.

According to my sister, I am not to worry about working a job right now - she'll just hook me up with a catering gig next year (I'm hoping for winter break actually, not just summer '11). I reallyyy want to work.

Five Facts

As of this second.

1. Dented my brother's car - I feel pretty bad. Gotta do my best to pay him for the damage.
2. Getting ready for the move out of the dollhouse.
3. Getting ready for COLLEGE.
4. AB&P no longer.
5. Major headache due to watching Psych and Grey's Anatomy online all day.

Edit* I'm going to make this a "Friday's Five Facts" and then there will be a "Tuesday's Ten Thoughts." haha let's see how this goes.

You are so wrong.

So quick to assume.

You think this is my fault. Own the fuck up to your own actions. Stop using me as an excuse. Stop using others as an excuse. It's pathetic.

Don't you dare call me a sell-out. I have done nothing but be the best friend that you would allow me to be to you. I know that and you know that.

I kept your secrets. I told your lies.

But you exposed mine. You've lied to my face. Don't think you've fooled me, I know you better than you think I do.

At the end of the day, it's your blood on your own hands with no one else to blame but yourself.

So shut the fuck up.

Ten Thoughts

1. I think I'll have the occasional Ten Things entry. Maybe once a week? Once a month? We'll seee.

2. Sister wants me to start packing. So far, I've thrown a bunchh of old stuff from my desk and under my bed. I've packed some books/binders that I'm going to keep and made a pile of clothes I don't want anymore. It'll be a sad day when the dollhouse is once again empty. I won't be able to say "It's a big, pink house, you can't miss it" to whoever is coming to my house for the first time. Practically everyone knows where I live and my house was usually the meeting spot for everyone because of the neutral location. I hope the move is after I leave for school - I don't want to stay at my grandmother's house. That place is too crowded.

3. I have exactly two months left in SoCal. I called housing today and they said freshman move-in day for third-orientation-goers is August 16th. My aunt offered to drive me up there, along with my two other cousins, and she'd rent a bigger car for my stuff and it'd be a nice a trip for them also. I hope that this happens!

4. No/Low Carb Diet has begun.

5. Yesterday was pretty weird. First I was upset, then angry, shocked, confused, hurt, and finally acceptance.

6. Making cards completely by hand and without the use of a Cricut or anything is my specialty. My two mains tools: sharp scissors and an x-acto knife. So I guess you can say I'm a pro at cutting things out. People can be things, too.

7. We aren't friends anymore. The lack of communication from me to you for the past four months should've been the door that hit you on your way out of my life. But you just can't see it. I shouldn't be surprised though; you are about as smart as all the points there are on a circle. I don't hate you, but I certainly don't care for you, either.

8. SO excited for The Last Airbender movie premiere next week! Gonna go to Wood Ranch beforehand with Serena and then wait it alllll out until midnight at the theater. Woot.

9. I've been watching Psych lately. The script is really good and hilarious. I love James Roday and Dule Hill! Amazing comedy duo.

10. Packing and cleaning everything out is oddly refreshing.

100

My 100th entry! lol.

Yesterday, I hung out with my cousin and her friends. It was funnn. ;)
Today, I helped my friend paint the inside of his house. It was so tiring. I started out with the rollers with the long pole so I could paint the slanted ceiling. Jeez, I was SWEATING. So then I switched, haha. But we got a lot done today! Got a bunch of paint on my arms, legs, and hair, too. Then went to Alberto's and..YUMM. LOVE their California Burrito!

For some reason, my legs look darker. It's like my legs got a tan from inside the house. lulz.

My laptop is sizzling hot. Forreals. It's painful to use ):

GRADUAT10N

Today. Class of 2010, WE MADE IT :) I'm sick, too, though -____-. Hopefully I won't sneeze or cough while I'm getting my diploma on stage. That would suck. lols.

I'm excited (8

Senior Banquet

Not bad. Dave & Buster's food wasn't totally horrible. Actually, I kinda liked it. Chicken was dry though. I won a George Foreman Grill?! And a $20 gift card to Target. Cecilia won a freakin' iTouch -___________- so jealous. And all the other much cooler prizes. Like the Wii, blue DS, iPod dock, and all that jazz. But I FINALLY won a raffle prize :) I've never won anything before. haha. Oh, and LOL. CUUUUTE white boy at the mall! rofl. ;)

I called somebody today ;)

State of the Union

Like Massie Block from The Clique novels. haha. I just rented the movie last night on iTunes and watched it. lulz. The actress who plays her, she's pretty when she has her bangs up. Anyways.

High school is over. It just hit me last night when I was looking at old photos on Facebook. No more going out with Melisssa, Daphne, and Cathy on random weekends, no more birthday dinners at Wood Ranch, no more FBLA conferences, no more FBLA socials, no more hanging out with my cousins, no more hanging out with my friends.

However, I AM excited for college this fall. :)

And graduation is THIS Friday!! I think I'm gonna go to WR for either dinner or dessert ;)) I need to find out what time they close. haha. I'll definitely miss WR and their most excellent customer service =/

It's been a most excellent day.

Almost as excellent as Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Oh, man, I love that movie! "What's up, royal ugly dudes?" "Want a twinkie, Genghis Khan?" HAHA! So funny. Finished watching it today in gov class.

But today was kind of an excellent day. English oral presentation went pretty okay. Got a free track 2010 hoody, got a free yearbook 08/09 t-shirt, and free chinese food :). I am very full. But man, so many inserts to sign.

TWOTWOTWOTWOTWO! Two more days. NO SCHOOL ON MONDAY WOOT! Didn't know that 'til today. haha. ((8

I miss WR. I want to go back the night of graduation. And I want to go visit Garvey and Hillcrest!

Wood Ranch ♥

My Wood Ranch experience just keeps getting better and better with each visit. Excellent customer service ;). I am definitely going at LEAST one more time before I head off for college. Woot woot.

SENIOR CHECK OUT FIVE MORE DAYS :)
Graduation in fourteen. It hasn't hit me yet. I wonder when it will?

Happy birthday, Linxi ♥.

I really ♥ WR. HAHA I SHOULD MAKE AN "I ♥ WR" SHIRT! LOL! ;))
I want to work there =/

Hey, nobody cares

At least, I certainly don't.



GTFO.

Not a Senior

What I kind of feel like because, other than the graduation ceremony, I'm not going to any of the senior events such as prom, senior banquet, and grad night. Very /♥ at the first one, the other two I don't really care for. I'm going to have to do something else to make up for missing my senior prom. Hopefully I'll get to hang with Linxi? Anna and Tiffany are going clubbing without me. Bishes. lol. I actually kind of don't have senioritis..lol, I'm still doing my work.

I'm excited for UNYB and my UNYB shirt :)


////♥

The 2010 California FBLA State Leadership Conference

What can I say? It was amazing. I absolutely loved it. And it sucks that it was my last one.

What made it so incredible was that, even though I didn't network at all, I bonded with my roommates and my Summit kids.

THURSDAY
After we got to the Hyatt and checked in, we went to The District. Me, Anna, Maggie, and Cecilia went to Chic Fil-A first to get some free fooood and then to In-N-Out where we saw a cute paramedic ;) hahaha. Also where some random white guy was talking to us, "Justin Bieber disgusts me." lawl. Got back to the hotel and I got ready for FBL. The test actually wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be but I didn't know everything either. Needless to say, I didn't make top ten.

What I love about the first day is seeing everyone for the first time in months, namely the Summit kids. I swear, even though I haven't spent a lot of time with most of them, I love them like crazy. I guess I attach myself easily to 'families.' The first person I was was..Kavya? And then it was just a bunch of others after that :)

I bought red nail polish from Ulta when we were at the District. SUCH a pretty red. So, I painted my nails an actual color for the first time in like..6 years. Yeah, srsly. haha. My fingernails are beautiful :) Even Anna says that they are "too perfect." Kekeke.

FRIDAY
Woke up at 5:30! To take a shower and we watched Blaine Vedros's workshop for FIDM! First time watching his whole workshop. It's pretty good! All the ladies loved him, for sure. lawl. And then..OPENING SESSION :) There is something to be said about being backstage of an audience over 1,400 people. haha. And then, well, I don't really remembered what happened after opening session. I think we triedd to take a picture but then they kicked us out and I lingered for a bit with someone..? Had some yummy ramen noodles in my roooom for lunch andd..I really can't remember. Haha. OH! I remember now. Babysat the questions table for voting delegates and just chilled with some Central and Inland kids. I think. Thenn rehearsed a LITTLE for the section meeting. OH! COSTCO PIZZA FOR DINNER! Sounds a little ghetto I lurved itt.

The section meeting went okay. Inductions was kind of sad, haha. I'm no longer a section officer? So weird to think about. But I have to say, I really loved being on the section team. I love how we were only a team of 5, we grew pretty close :) We had pretty awesome spirit gear though - glow-in-the-dark "GOLD COAST FBLA" bracelets. hehe. :) Everyone lovedd them. And I think we started selling them for $1/each after to other members? hahaa. We should have put "beat southern" on it. lawl.

Friday night, I couldn't dance at the dance =/ At first I thought I had to ticket collect because that's what Devang told me but only state officers needed to do it. So, at 10:45, I left to go prepare for business presentation. -___- so dumb how we only got actual critiques the night BEFORE. Ugh. I missed the dance to work on something that only earned us EIGHTH FUCKING PLACE. -__-

SATURDAY
Competed for Business Presentation. I thought we did well. But I guess we didn't. After we competed and a few others in their own events, we went to the Harvard Square - sat with Catherine Dang! lols. I don't know, not much to say about this day. Just got back to the hotel, showered again, and got ready for awards. I had a totally cute/hot dress but I guess it was too much (or too little, lawl) because then I was told to change. At first I was really pissed and a little embarrassed but it's okay, the dress I changed into wasn't that bad anyway. I still looked good :) So yeah. 8th place bpres -__- but FIFTH place for LCBAR! TAKE THAT BITCHES! Last year, we barely got 8th place in LCABR! HA! Seriously, fifth is SO good when you think about it. Because it's after Live Oak (where the board of directors head person, Mrs. N, is from), then the powerhouse chapters Homestead and Lynbrook and then Redwood (who alwaysss does well in LCABR). Pretty damned good. No bitch can say shit to me now. Other highlights: Anna getting THIRD in Public Speaking II and Kristine getting THIRD in Word Processing II and then..Oliver placing FIRST in Impromptu! THAS WASSUUPP! Except, he's can't even go to nationals =/ Meaning, I may not be able to go either. I didn't qualify but I am still able to accept my America award there. Sigh =/

We finally took our section/state officers picture! It's pretty nice :) hehe, but I have to say. I loveeee the picture I took with all the guys! ;)

Awards dance was lame. There was still the problem of turning the lights off. So dumb. I don't even want to explain it.

SUNDAY
I got up early to start packing and shiz. I also totally forgot about my Fujifilm instant camera (aka polaroids) so I went around taking pictures with people. I realy miss everyone. I reallyyyyy do. Seriously, I won't see any of them ever again.

SLC '10 was fun. But I have to say, I think I had more fun at SLC '09. SLC '10 was fun in that I got to hang out with the summit kids and everything but I really loved SLC '09. I wish I could combine the two and relive it. It's hard to think that I'll never experience another FBLA SLC ever again. I really love FBLA and I will truly miss everyone I've met. I love my section team and I love all the close friends I've made from other sections. lol, I don't mind my chapter team. It's okay. Sorry. Anyways. It's senior year.

Nervous

Not nervous as in anxiety-attack-worthy-nervous. Just. Nervous. That we won't qualify to nationals for business presentation. Just like how I'm pissed I didn't place first in FBL at section, I'm going to be so pissed if we don't place at least 2nd at state for BP. I'll also be heartbroken.

We need to fucking practice TOGETHER. Fucking a. State is gonna be a bust.

Don't Trust Me (You)

Maybe I do have trust issues.

See, I can be a gullible person sometimes. Which leads to my fear of being made a fool out of. So, sometimes, I have a difficult time believing someone when they tell me something that either doesn't really matter like what hair product they use or if it's something pretty serious like..one of their family members are in the hospital or something. Of course, it depends on each case and each circumstance.

I can't stress more that when someone fucks up and loses my trust, the face of our friendship may revive but the trust does not. And it sucks because it's not like I choose to not believe a word they say or to not be able to rely on them but I just..can't. There is always a doubt in my mind.

How do I know when people are telling the truth? How can I believe them when it ends up that they keep so much from me? How can I rely on them when they can be such flakes? All of this constant questioning that goes in my head just leads me to be extremely fed up.

I don't always have to be the understandable person.

This does not rock at all.

So, so not cool. My family cannot afford for me to attend CU Boulder. Ugh. My mom wants me to go to the University of the Pacific since it's home to one of the top pharmacy programs in the nation - even though I was accepted for graphic design. Sigh. I REALLY want to go to CUB! I think I would've had a great time and education there! Aiyah. Especially after talking with a Colorado resident, already, who iss going to CUB and would've been a potential roommate ):

Pacific gave me the most money so it also makes sense that I go there. Donald is there so I won't be totallyyy alone but Stockton, CA?! I really just want to be able to have the best time that I can.

But awayy from the subject of college,

Spring break was kind of nice! Let's see, what did I do?
Saturday - Multi-chapter social with Alhambra FBLA
Sunday - Forest Lawn with the family and then Newport Beach with the cousins afterward
Monday - Business Presentation work day
Tuesday - mm, nothing?
Wednesday - MAX review session for FBLA at the SG library in the morning
Thursday - Sad, sad day and did nothing
Friday - Shopped for state awards dress at the Santa Anita mall with Maggie
Saturday - Hung out with Cally for kinda the whole day
Sunday - Lunch at my aunt's house with my cousins

OH. Dude. So Cally and I went to Yogurtland and after like 15 min? IN WALKED FIRE CAPTION JEFFREY ROY! haha! And a bunch of other firefighters that I didn't know and didn't introduce myself to >.< But it was so cool to see him! We talked for a few minutes and I told him how I was going to CU Boulder even though now I'm not..but yeah. I love my firefighters♥

No Good.

I am not good enough for anyone, anything, any place. I know that and I am not wallowing in self-pity but I am disappointed for I have not only let myself down but my family as well. No matter how hard I try, I just can't push myself to work hard for academia. I can't work hard for things I'm not passionate about. I'm passionate about greeting cards and graphic design which is why I can do so well in it. But academia? Nope. Hopefully, I can discover a passion for it in college.

It looks like I'm going to the University of Colorado at Boulder. I look at forums of which dorms are the best and I get a little excited. I'm just hoping that I get a lot of money so I actually cann go. Ugh, hopefully, everything works out. Because I had to submit a correction for my FAFSA, I need to call into CUB's office of FA to see if my FA rewards and stuff change. Once I know the final details, I'll tell my parents and I'll be good to go. Really. I'm kind of excited :)

Over

It's spring break and the most exciting thing I've done is go to Newport Beach with my cousins (which was actually pretty fun). I totally wasted my day today. And I don't know. I just really need some cheering up; but I am so confused as to who I should turn to for that. I'm a little lost.

So Legit

Yesterday was so legittt! :) In the morning, we went to Forest Lawn for the whole something of the dead, it's called "ching ming" for the month of March? idk. But dude, I have neverrrr seen SO many families near us before! This one family literally brought a roasted pig--with the head and everything. I half-expected an apple in the roasted pig's mouth. loll. Then, as always, impromtu cousin hang out!

We went out to Newport beach and oh my gahhh! SO MANY CUTE GUYS! Seriousssslly! They were EVERYWHERE. :)) We barely got to the beach around 3:30 though so the sun wasn't very strong andd it was pretty windy and cold. We left the beach around 5 and walked to this pizza place called Laventino's. Dude, the workers there are freaking cutee. They are all young dudes with tattoos. haha. AND! This one lifeguard who walked in..whew ;) The pizza was pretty good, too. haha.

Laventino's doesn't have space to dine so we walked to a nearby McDonald's and ate outside after getting some fries. hehe. Fries and pizza. Pretty dammned good. Then, got some ice cream cones and walked back to the car. Fuck, it was cold! lawl. After getting to the car, we covered up more with towels and then walked the five blocks to my cousin's boyfriend's place. He is so tall and my cousin is so short. rofl. The comparison is very amusing. Anyways, walked two blocks to the beach and watched the sunset and walked along the shore and then went back to the boyfriend's for some "beer on the patio." lawl.

Dick, it was sooo legit. I always see people chillin and partyin on the patios in Long Beach and Newport anddd I was finally one of them! haha! It was really cool. Very legit way to start of spring break (even though I kind of started it with the FBLA social, loll).

I barely got darker, though. We're going to hit another beach, hopefully this week. Maybe Manhattan or Laguna? Still deciding. Hehe. :)

Emotions

Just a bunch of them running through me all day.

1. Today, in English class, we had to do a quickwrite on our most traumatic experience. I wrote about what happened just recently. And as I was writing it, first I felt the hurt. Then, I felt the anger. I just became more angry and angry as I wrote about what happened. The feeling of resentment, betrayal, and utter shock now resides within me. I don't like it.

2. I am getting anxious for college admission decisions. One week from tomorrow, I will know my future.

3. I don't know what to think. I'm so confused. I'm so hesitant. I'm such a "feeler" (ENFP)!

4. FBLA is driving me nuts. LCABR is still not completed. State is in less than a month. And recently, I discovered that a video of the FBL awarding is on YouTube. There are a bunch of "omg she's so funny" comments about my hyperventilating. I wasn't hyperventilating just 'cause I was nervous, you insensitive douchebags. Honestly, I understand that he's proud of the video, but couldn't he at leastt considered me? -___- Because I keep watching it and reliving it; that, in itself, was a traumatizing event for me.

5. I should've applied for the Byron L. Bates FBLA Scholarship this year. I'm so fucking stupid. I didn't even remember to apply but after learning that I probably could've gotten it, I'm so mad.

6. Linxi might be sleeping over Thursday night. :)) I hope she does! I'm so excited.

7. MCDA tomorroww! :DD

8. I should talk to her. Tell her what's up. I should be the bigger person and just be fair and courteous.

9. My period totally skipped a month. When I told my sister that I was still waiting for it, she was like "did you have sex?" and I'm like..-_____- No. haha. I just got it like..RIGHT NOW! Good thing I didn't leak. lawl. TMI? Probably.

10. And right this second, I just learned that a schoolmate (because I've never talked to him before or met him) just...well, my troubles are extremely less significant than his. Hell, they aren't even considered troubles in comparison! Well, not that they should be compared anyway.. =/ I really feel for him though. My condolences.

The Distance

By Cake. Very interesting song.

But, ahh. The distance I've traveled with the LCABR! Like, holy shit. It totally took over my life for the past week. I must've put over 60+ hours into it! The only plus out of totally redesigning it and stuff is that I totally fell in love with Adobe InDesign CS4 :) I only downloaded the trial version but yeahh. It's almost done done!

Now. Just Future Business Leader and Business Presentation. HEHE. Hopefully, I'll be going up on stage three times instead of just two :)

Oh. And the stupid research paper for English class -______- I am super mad that our teacher is the ONLY one doing the research paper, too! AIYEUH. At least, that's what I've heard so far. ASDFGH ugh. Rough draft is due tomorrow for peer edit. But really, peer edit is such a joke. No offense, but since I'm in regular English, getting peer edits by my classmates isn't that helpful. And it's 10 PM right now, I need to do 5 pages 1.5 spacing. Time to BS. Not like my 'peers' would notice anyway? Probably not.

Ten Thoughts

1. LINXI WU WHERE THE FRACK ARE YOU?! -_________-

2. DISLIKE. I can't believe it. Really. For a while, I was chill with everything. Then, circumstances changed and everything has shifted into a whole new direction. One, of which, I wholly dislike. I guess this is where my green eyes come in to play (referencing to one of my Facebook photos haha).

3. My Toshiba laptop is ruined. I can barely use it. I am now stuck with my brother's old Acer. It's disgusting.

4. I need to lose weight. I was so tiny freshman year and earlier. I want that body back.

5. I would love to talk to him on the phone. But that DB won't do it. I don't like him anymore but he is my friend.

6. It's also partly my fault because they don't know that they're out. Somebody keeps ruining my day. I don't like it. Because it still hurts. Somebody misses me? Said person shouldn't. Because the sentiment is not returned. I'm being harsh - that's just how shit is.

7. I don't think I'll get into my dream school.

8. The other somebody, while I love this somebody and adore this somebody, has been on my nerves and we've drifted apart. It really saddens me as my senior year is coming to an end and I won't be able to spend the great moments left with this somebody.

9. I stopped liking him because of the lack of interaction. I thought he was at least interested because of some other factors. But now? I don't know.

10. I've dropped my phone one too many times. Now, it randomly turns off. It really pisses me off.

Firefighters ♥

Today, we walked over to the fire station to present them with a thank you card for their donation to FBLA and they gave us a tour! It. Was. FUN. haha! I got to see "my guys" today! LOL! Jeff, Dave, and Eric! Wow, I really missed them! They are really awesome people. I'm totally in love with them :) hehe.

So we were about to take a group picture with them three when all of a sudden..they got a call! And they were like, let's hurry and take the picture! And we were like..but don't you need to go save people?! lol! Then it turned out to be a fire call so they had to leave right away. After we watched them drive out, I walked Maggie home and then walked to Yogurtland. By myself. lawl. Dude, right after I got inside and started getting some froyo, firefighters walked in! LOL! Here are the texts I exchanged with Monica while this was happening, it should explain everything. haha.

A: So, after walking maggie home, i decided to go to yogurtland. AND THE FIREFIGHTERS ARE HERE TOO! Lol! But different ones. Hahah
M: HAHAHAA HOW COOOOOL!!
A: LOL NO AWKWARD! Haha cause i'm here by myself! And I don't know these people! Haha
M: Meet them !! :) and the fire was near Gab haha
A: No! So weird! I'm not thatt outgoing! And I've already sat down here by myself! And I would have no idea what to say! I'm nervous when i'm by myself! And wow. so many !s ! Lol!
M: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :)
A: Man, i wish it were dave, eric, and jeff! Haha
M: Yeahh then it'd be easier for you to talk to them hahah
A: WOW THEY TOOK THE TRUCK HERE! Should i ask for a ride hom? Hahaha
M: DARE YOUUUUUUU
A: HAHA FUCK NO!
M: HAHAHAHA :)
A: Sigh, if only it were the other three! Man! I wish i had one of their numbers so i could've texted them WHY AREN'T YOU HERE TOO! Because I sooo wanted to! Hahaha
M: I knowwww. Would've been so cool! Haha
A: Mon, i'm totally in love with three firefighters!
M: LOLLLL. they are verrrrrry cool.

Ahahahahaha :))

You're Out

I'm the umpire of my life. If I say you're out, you are out.

Am I being immature about this? Sure. Maybe it's even a little "shady." But that is hardly the word for this kind of a situation. Every time I am faced with interaction or anything that deals with what happened, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Can you blame me for wanting that out of my life? I guess I'm being a coward about this..not confronting the situation like I should. Honestly, I kind of did. Just not completely.

I'll lie and I'll cheat and I'll resort to some shady ways. But I am loyal and I would never dare hurt one of my friends or do something retarded. For the past many years, I believe I have proved my loyalty and worthiness through tough situations and always giving the benefit of the doubt. However, when the tables were turned, I wasn't even given one simple courtesy: telling me that I had done something wrong. Still, in my eyes, in my logical and common sense (which, I have to say, IS very logical and common!), all I did was act in fairness and validity.

I treat others the way I would like to be treated. But in one network of friends, the favor has never returned. And when this sentiment had actually been given life..I am not a doormat. My loyalty and trust are easy to gain and maintain. But screw me over and things will never be the same.


"Forgive and forget." I may seem like I've forgotten it, but make no mistake. I do not forgive.



I'm still hurting. Believe me, I've only felt this hurt, maybe, once in my life that I can remember (which was only summer/fall 2009, actually). And what's worse - this feels worse than that one time.

I am my own umpire and my life is my own playing field. The only difference between my life and a baseball game is that there is only one inning. Once you're out and off the field, you stay out and off the field.

Three Points

I can't help but obsess over this. I lost FBL to this guy from Walnut HS by THREE POINTS. AND. I got my score sheets today from the two different judges..I got one 173.5 and one (edit 3/11/10*) 153.5*...I'm like...WTS? I got a 7/10 on professional appearance..T.T QQ! I can't really say anything because I actually KNOW that judge, I actually knew both of the judges, but yeah. I don't get it. I would've won FBL. I feel so shitty for not placing first because our chapter has placed first in this event for soooo many years!

The Gold Coast Section Leadership Conference. I'll start from the beginning, yeah?

Got to Alex's house around 4:30ish with Jennifer Friday night. Alex has such a cuuute house! So Arcadian. haha. Finally left around 5? I think? Anywayss. Got to West Ranch HS and began setting up tables in the gym and it wassss kind of fun? haha. I've missed GC kids :)

Went to the hotel, practicedd our scripts and put together stuff. Then. Actually got sleep that not! Not much though, maybe only like three hours? Idk, I slept late. haha.

DAY OF. Woke up an hour late! At 5AM! btw, Holiday Inn Express is pretty niceee. hehe :) I love how Gold Coast is so loaded. Went backkk to WR and set up HQ and errthang elsee.

It rained on us ): Andd my feeet were killing me! It started raining while I was waiting to be interviewed for FBL. I was sooo nervous! But it went pretty well! I felt, at least. Sigh. Stupid 124.5 D: After, I sat in on Blane Vedros's workshop. He's cool! haha. Thenn it was caucus session that I fell asleep during..hehe.

THEN I TOOK MY FBL TEST. AIYEUH. I regret so much not studying at least a few more of those sample tests! As I actually DID see many sample test questions on the actual test! Or just like info from my study materials! Ugh.

So. AWARDS. Totally anxious and it's time for them to call FBL right. The whole time, while on stage, I'm like slowly hyperventilating. Actually, not really. I knew I was going to cry one way or the other, if I won, happy tears. If I lost, sad tears. As the called the places until only two of us were left, my eyes were already watery and my fists were clenched. When they didn't call my name for first, I just broke. I just took the plaque from Leslie and ran backstage and just broke down with another anxiety attack. And not even like a minute later, I had to go back on stage for the outgoing officer team! EVERYONE saw how I was crying and shiz. And my attack actually worsened while I was on stage - I almost had trouble standing. After we got to walk off, I just ran up the stairs to the restroom. Ugh. I calmed down though. Karen, La C, and Ms. Stalley talked to me. I think Leslie was there..? Yeah. Oh, and we got 6th in sweepstakes -______-

Dheemanth promised me dinner at state for all my hard work. I am totally holding him to his promise. hehe.

It was freaking POORING rain outside after awards! I dropped my phone in the rain ): But then I rice-d it and wow. AMAZINGG. It worked! But my laptop is now fucked up ): I don't know what happened. Because I didn't put it in a proper case, just a regular messenger bag. I made sure it was totally safe though. But when I got home and took it out, like half the cover was wet (not really wet, though) but it didn't seem like any water got in..but then, my laptop doesn't stay on for more then 10 minutes at the most. ))): I'm stuck with my brother's old, gross, laptop D: I need to buy a new one.

MARCH

Holy fucking crap it's MARCH! 'Tis the month to be stressed, sad, and jolly! Stressed for FBLA. Sad for college rejections. Jolly for college acceptances. Haha. Section is thissss Saturday. I'm ssso nervous for FBL. But I am so excited, too! Also because section officers are staying over night to set up and errthang. Hehe.

Today was funn. Went to a teacher's career conference and rep'd FBLA for the CTSO booth with Linxi and Leslie. Linxi's a fucking powerhouse, dude. haha. So yeah, our shift was at 7:15 AM! In Garden Grove! I planned to wake up at 4:30 but woke up at 5:30 instead >.< 'Cause Leslie had to pick me up around 6ish. But I haddd it. haha. So yeah, got to the conference and a bunch of FFA kids were there which was weird because I thought it was only going to be FBLA but yeah. Then La C came to take me and Leslie back but we decided to get some grubb. Linxi came with :) Went to IHOP! Oh. Dude. Today reminded me of nationals! Because we drove through Anaheim and everything. lawl. Yeah. Told La C to drop me off at home first because I wanted to change out of my section uniform. Got home like at 12:15ish and just crashedd. Didn't go back to school until after for a meeting.

I got my America award :)

I felt pretty today.

So I went to sleep at 7:30 PM last night and woke up at 5:45 AM this morning. It was supposed to be a nap.

LOL.

So yeah, I had a bunch of extra time in the morning. One, I finished one of my supplemental essays that I forgot to turn in (LOL, it's all good though). And two, I did my hair. Jeez, takes SUCH a long time. I barely got out of the shower around 6:50 and twirling my hair into dreadlock type things takes twenty minutes. Then I gotta blow dry it because there's not enough time to just let it air dry. That takes another good twenty minutes. And then there's everything else. So, a lot goes into doing my hair. But I looked pretty today and I felt good. :)

However.

I am no longer a T-Mobile customer but..an AT & T one D: So sad. And what irritates me even more is that because I barely found out AFTER my SIM card stopped working. So. I couldn't copy my contacts to my phone -_______- at least, I'm assuming that's the reason why. So ridic. AND! My Nokia 6301 is a T-MOBILE phone! So I have to get it unlocked! Which I don't know how to do! Meaning, I am without a phone! T.T

this feels familiar

It's like a riding a new roller coaster ride. First, there are the little fun loops and twists that are to be expected, but when and where and how they feel is something you don't know yet. So when you do feel them, it's pretty fucking fun. Suddenly, you're at the highest point with the biggest drop and the craziest rush. Pretty fucking great. After that, it is utterly less exciting. Still a little high from the huge drop, from all the rush, you just kind of just go through the smaller motions after the first few seconds, not noticing that there's no more rush. When it hits you that the ride is over, it's already time to step off, gather your things, and exit. You're happy that you got to ride it because it was so much fun, but disappointed that it ended so soon. A ride that lasts mere seconds, yet, what a time of your life it was. If you wanna give another go at it, you'll have to wait in the incredibly long line for seemingly longer hours.

And then, the cycle repeats.


I don't even like roller coasters. Ain't that a bitch.

Today's gonna be a good day

Ohh, today's gonna be a good, good da-ayy!

..what my thoughts were when I was getting ready in the morning. It's so rare that I begin a day with positive thoughts and everything goes swell. First period, I actually got some work done in the library for our English research paper. Second period, did some TA work and successfully put up a hugee poster (thanks, Jake!), andd got to work a little on my FBL resume. Third period, got some work done. Fourth period, got some work done againn. And lunch, got to eat a delicious slice of Papa John's pizza..(and I didn't eat any junk food prior or after lunch! :DD). Fifth period was cute, got names for reference pages and got to chat with Chrisel and Maggie. Sixth period passed by surprisinglyy quick! I was gonna go walk over to this cell phone place to pick up my FIXED Nokia 6301 (again -.-) but..I got lazy. haha. And. I think I looked nice today, too :) kekeke. Relaxed and filed and buffed and shined my nails while watching the Olympics men's figure skating (GO LYSACEK! and ew, have you heard? he and Nastia Liukin are supposedly dating. she's like a childd!). And now..I'm doing this. Haha. Oh! And Secret Life and MIOBI are on tonight! :D keke.

It was a good day.

An Assumption

I didn't think it was serious. I saw it and I was aware of it but, I didn't think it was serious. I know for sure this isn't serious. But I can't help it.

I need to stop binging on food. Backk to my diet, homeskillettss.

Happy & Sad

I'm in between happy and sad for two totally different reasons. They involve two different parties. Believe me, the reason why I'm sad is something that I would have never foresaw. Never. It's funny. I value it so much but when it comes down to it, I've also got an iron fist. I hope that makes sense because I don't feel like explaining it.

But the reason why I'm happy...♥ I'm not surprised that it's making me happy but just that it's actually..happening. Haha. Now, just hold up. That's not what it sounds like. Srsly. :) Everything is squeaky clean. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's see how long this lasts for.

I don't like pestering.

I love you.

I think Emily Jones is amazing. Her voice is just so beautiful!

Today has been an uneventful day. My phone is jacked up again so I went with my cousin to get it fixed. Aiyah.

I'm applying for this thing..I really hope I get accepted into the program. !!

Today felt like summer. A nice summer day though. I loved needing only to wear a wife beater tank top and thin flannel pajama bottoms. ♥

Because it's the thought that counts.

loveasc's motto? slogan? tagline? yeah, yeah? :)

I am no longer on my diet. I can eat as freeellyyy as I wish! Patty's debut was yesterday and it was def. an interesting experience for me. I don't believe I had as much fun as the rest of the crew but that's okayy, I still had fun :) It's kind of hard to believe that it's all over now. No more Saturday morning, Monday or Thursday after school practices! Also, I think I fit into my dress just finee. :)) My dieting/exercise paid off! Though, the dress did get super tight once I began eating the dinner ): haha. And our performance..we messed up the bio intro which was X.x but I think we did pretty well in our waltz! Patty looked beautifullll in her dress and err'thang. We all looked good. So, overall. It was a nice night.

But. I am pretty fucking pissed right now. I really wanted to go to my aunt's for Chinese New Year's. But my parents and brother are being douchebags and are too lazy to take me. ugh.

SO EXCITED

seriously. i'm gonna launch loveasc by summer! i WILL. the support from the lovelies linxi and anna will get me through it. i am SO excited!

btw.

KEViN (9:56:16 PM): i pretty much forked up the 15 and never did anything
KEViN (9:56:18 PM): well then again
KEViN (9:56:25 PM): you extorted the money out of me
asc (9:56:28 PM): <3
KEViN (9:56:44 PM): NO
KEViN (9:56:46 PM): ITS NOT GONNA WORK
KEViN (9:57:03 PM): I AM IMMUNE TO THE LESS-THAN-THREE SYMBOL
asc (9:57:56 PM): ♥
asc (9:58:03 PM): ♥
KEViN (9:59:10 PM): wow
asc (9:59:23 PM): FROM ME TO YOU
asc (9:59:25 PM): there
asc (9:59:30 PM): don't say i never gave you anything
asc (9:59:35 PM): CAUSE I JUST GAVE YOU MY HEART

it's unbelievable

how happy this is making me. it was such a long shot in the beginning. but then. it's all working out.

loveasc ftw.

cute fun

i miss this--this "cute fun." i've forgotten how enjoyable conversations can be when it's all cute fun. i know this cute fun will end soon, but it's okay. i'm enjoying it while it lastss.

patty's debut is this saturday! i'm excited! and at the same time, i can't wait for everything to be over. my dad won't have anything to piss at me about anymore. not that it matters, he's leaving for burma on the 17th for a "long while." i'll missss him.

my cousin just called. she'll be here in twenty minutes with my fixeddd nokia 6301 :) ♥

YES!

Getting my Nokia 6301 fixed!! Should be ready by Tuesday. I'm excited :)

I can't.

I can't do this anymore. I can't try to diet and try to workout to lose weight to fit in a dress. I would love to just go back to downtown and get the more appropriate size but I don't think there is enough time. I don't get it. The bust fit me perfectly fine at the store..but the one that they had made? Doesn't fit. I tried switching with one of the other girls because I thought she would fit it better than me (she seems a lot smallerr than me!) but I guess she didn't fit..? And then she got angry? I think. I don't blame her; I would be, too, if some girl took my dress.

So, not only am I not going to fit in with everyone else, I'm not going to fit into my dress either. I'm going to look fat and gross. I know the night isn't about me at all; I fully understand that. But I still want to look at least decent. And if I decide to turn the dress into something else so I can wear it more than once? This eighty-dollar dress is an investment, not just a dress for special occasions. I'm already f-ed with lack of money. I have to make this dress worth it. Because no matter how much the night is not about me, the preparation for the night to be a success has really f-ed me over with family stress and problems.

I can't lose weight. I've been dieting for two weeks now (although, there were a few momentary lapses but my overall calorie and carbohydrate intake has considerably decreased). How much have I lost? Well, let's just say that the max weight that I fluctuate to has only decreased about four pounds.

I have a nice body. I have the "desired hourglass body shape." I just have excess fat that doesn't exactly make me look so attractive or feel good. If I was in good shape and barely had any body fat, I would fit into that dress like nothing. Alas, I don't.

There are also a bunch of other factors that are making me feel this way. FBLA is so busy right now; what with competition, FBLA week, and trying to do a decent job as president. And then there is homework. And everything else in between.

I feel like shit. And I resent everything that has contributed to this exact moment. Thanks.

It's Tiresome

I am trying so hard to not make it about me. Because it's not. But I can't help the way I feel. I can't help my current personal life situation. I can't help the way things are playing out. I feel like there's nobody there from where I used to be. The old clan. Where are they? They're there but they are not really there. I see them but they don't see me. This tires me over and over again and I continue to take it. It's my fault, too, though. Like how I answered one of my formspring questions: my biggest insecurity are my people skills. They travel up and down the spectrum way too often and not at the most desired moments.

What were to happen if I suddenly just disappeared? Me and my whole family? Just picked up our things and moved out without a single word to friends or family? Not even any hints or goodbyes? Would chaos ensue? Would resentment grow because of the inconvenience it may cause for them? Will hearts break at the most dangerous thought about the reasoning of such a disappearance? Or, will indifference take the place of the hollow feelings of love and friendship once stored? Will the lives that we used to affect continue as normal? Will we have left no footprints, no significance, with those we mingled with?

I can smell my mother's delicious cooking. I must go and pounce on the feast.

loveasc

i am thinking of starting my own business called "loveasc." hm. i'm really contemplating it but i reallyyy don't know. i'm really scared. i don't want to humiliate myself when i advertise myself all over Facebook and Twitter and like..i get no customers! idkk!

i am at a loss

a loss of weight! lols.

in a week of super low carb dieting (originally no carb diet but I just couldn't help myself), i've lost five pounds. but that's only when i weigh myself in the morning. throughout the day, i gain a lot of water weight and i get bloated from eating so much meat and vegetables. i can fit into the debut dress but i want to look better in it. for the next two weeks, i'm going to wake up early to run on the tread mill while still maintaining my super low carb diet. let's see if this works.

i lurve FBLA. i have to say. it's pretty fucking cool. better than the rest of the student organizations out there (or "clubs"). :) or maybe it's just how my preference is set. but yeah.

i really hope i get into syracuse or wm. i reallyyyy do. fuck.

shaken.

terribly shaken. nothing is right anymore.

almost done.

one more supplement to go! finished cu boulder's app today. and OMFG. so it's University of Colorado at Boulder right? so in personal statement, i wrote UC Boulder instead of CU Boulder -__________- FML.

yeah.

ugh.


AIYEUH. speaking of. not really. but anyways. i want something to happen. with. YEAH. aye. idk. everything is like..-________- 2nd semester now so it should be chill cause i'm a senior and everything but FBLA's just getting busy with competition. damn. so much work. esp. BAA. and. idk.

and. i don't know what to do anymore. the reason why i don't confer with her and ask her so many questions because she already has such high expectations and i'm just trying to fill in the president role. i'm trying to be a leader by not having to ask for so much help. i guess it's because my parents are always hovering me that i'm used to doing things on my own. like for as long as i can remember, i've always filled out my own paperwork, registered myself for things, and just have to dealt with stuff on my own. i can be very independent--i take care of myself. so always asking for help and guidance on stuff that you don't need a book to learn from, i'm not used to it. now if i tried to express this to her, i'm sure she would find some way to throw it in my face. being sincere with her doesn't work. she talked about feeling empathy for someone. why doesn't she take her own advice? she doesn't know where i'm at in my life right now. i walk into a room and i see a box. it's closed. despite all the somewhat personal information that i give away about myself, i AM a closed person. i am realizing that now. i have walls. they are just deeper than the average. i'll tell people who i have a crush on but my seriously deep feelings? i don't tell people.

she doesn't understand who i am. and no, i am not one of those "nobody understands me, poor me" people. it's just that. SHE specifically doesn't seem to understand me. she goes with negative approaches. uses negative reinforcement. i'm like Aang from the last airbender. when toph had a negative attitude and approach with him while teaching him, he couldn't do shit. same with me. i respond well to POSITIVE reinforcement. and i get that i'm gonna get a bunch of shit in the real world but why do i need to try to adjust to it NOW? i'm stubborn and it's not going to work while i'm only 17 years old.

i love how well she does with FBLA and i am completely grateful and appreciative for all that she does do. it's just that. her take and view and approach on things when it comes to dealing with the human psych--i don't agree with. makes me feel like she doesn't believe in me or anybody else. she has no faith. she's only happy when something goes well. but once something goes bad, out comes the whip.

she says that when something goes wrong, the person at top get blamed for it. but wth. what does that teach the people who DID do something wrong? am i really the best person to try to fix them and discipline them? i'm not much older than them nor do i even have their respect (not that i've done anything to really earn it anyways).

she says that i have to work extra hard to work with them esp. since they are all new and young. that i am to utilize my seniority and experience to help them. but i don't get it. i'm not even that trained myself. do i have experience? yes. but am i a trained leader? no. i'm not. these past few years while working as an officer, i've been going with the motions. nobody has trained me. all she threw at me were negative words about how she is so disappointed in me. what does that instill in me? nothing great, that's for sure. i receive no motivation or inspiration from her.

i am the only senior member. that means it's MUCH harder for me than for past presidents. put any of them in my position (and esp. my circumstances) and i'm sure they wouldn't be able to do THAT much better. they'd still get bitched at because the team failing to show leadership. unless they are super amazing and just have this aurora that gets people to work. that's something that she should possess. that's something i wish to possess.

i would love to tell her all of this. in a mature conversation from person to person. with all due respect. but again. she'll throw it in my face somehow. she does it every time. and i'm a fragile person. i'm sensitive. i'll crack. i can't help it. i wish i could but i can't. yeah, i should be a leader and just take it like one. but guess what. again, i haven't received the proper training and i'm just not as amazing as one would expect of a president. she needs to adjust her perception and view of things. seriously. i love working so closely with FBLA but honestly, she makes it very hard and unappealing. i can't wait to be done with this.

2010, baby

damn. 2010.

fawk, dude. i've had one helluva winter break! no really. it was pretty amazing.

kicked it off with a Christmas MCDA dinner at some restaurant at the Americana--it was sooo pretty there! i thought we were gonna feel out of place because we all dressed up but i think we we fit in just fine. haha. oh, and melissa got the three of us necklaces from forever21! aw, she's so cute. i felt bad. i was gonna make my giftcards for them but..noo time. i was already rushing to make a few others'. >.<>
then the next day i had a section meeting. afterwards, i helped out at the tree lot againn! i love those firefighters! i was thinking of sending them a card. but. i got lazy. lawls. and sunday. hm. what did i do on sunday? oh. my computer got a virus. -.-. and then when i tried to save music files on my phone. my phone got fucked up, too. -.-. AIYEUHH. my dad got really mad.

then, monday! wow. long blog. haha. MACK photoshoot at kara's! but maggie couldn't go ): but it was funn. like earlier in the morning, i tried to take my permit test but i totally forgot that i needed to bring my pink slip..i lost the fucking shit T.T. so i have to wait to get back to school to get another one. but yeah. afterwards, got some blanks CDs at staples and an 8gb flash drive to back up all my files and stuff. then. off to kara's! man, it was fun.

my Christmas was pretty fun. went to the aunt's house in Long Beach and it was a good turnout for cousins! i met daren's parents, i love them! they're so nice. hehe. will i have to call him uncle daren when they finally get married? hm. we'll see. he's such cool beans. THAT'S WHY I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE. lawls. haha. just kidding.

next day, went to float decorating with maggie. so gay--i got my period -________- but our supervisor, you know, the people in the red coats, barbara was really nicee. she likes me. hahah. i told her and she totally took care of me. dude, their Giant Nine Inch Hot Dog is redundant in its name but sooo good! well, with chili it is! haha. afterwards, joseph dropped me, maggie, and alvin at my house. had some hot chocolate and chilled and talked for a bit.

27th, chillaxed a little, worked on college apps, and other things. that i forgot. haha.

nextt day. 28th. went back to float decorating cause i actually really like it! haha. andrew dropped me off at alex's so i got a ride with him. barbara totally rememberedd me :) oh! and saw SEM kids! huy and kevin. haha huy's funny. fiesta floats had a lot of news stations there. oh! i saw the rose court. prettier in person but..not by much. haha. i feel bad for them, everybody's saying "rose court? ugly this year." lulz. we all went out to eat for lunch, it was fun! i love hanging out with just guys. then left at 2pm. got home. and sleptt.

oh jeez. i did so much over break! 29th, phoi picked me up to go to patty's. we all went the fashion district for dressess. then purple thai afterwards. and patty's afterwards. it was a cute day. haha. got home at 5. went to 300 bowling at 6 with bryant and alvin for adopt a chapter. and then maria's italian kitchen for our dinner meeting. haha asides from getting business done, it was funn! keke. the waiter totally wanted me ;) LOL. just kidding. hahaha. but when i handed him a $100 bill to pay for my dinner, he was like "ballin!" LOL! hahaha.

31st! NYE! had like a brunch thing at 888 dim sim with the family. haha. my grandma is so cute. when we tell her to do the peace sign, she like..throws it out there. lawls. then nye lunch with MCD at elephant bar! it was GOODD. then i get home like around 5ish. left for patty's party and got there at like 5:55pm! haha. 5 minutes early. and PATTY WASN'T THERE. lolls. she was out with jenle getting more food. dad actually let me stay past midnight. like. my sister really spoke for me. so. thank god. haha. lovee her. party was fun! didn't get to play King ): i think that's like. the first time i haven't played at patty's. wow. andd alex came too! haha. i invited devang too but his ride bailed. but yeah. alex got there around 11:45ish. and then left like at 12:30? his mom doesn't trust me LOL. oh. the night was totally filled with polaroids! or just instant photos. haha. but yeah. and i got home around 1:30. dad was totally pissed cause i was supposed to be home earlier. oh well. hahaha.

and damn. okay. so 2010. jan 1. get together at grandma's house. i saw my cousinn alex (not aforementioned alex lolls) who i haven't seen in like 3 years! but yeah. most of my age group cousins were there. we talked about college a lott. one of them tried to persuade me to go to a JCC or take a year off, i was like..no -.- hahaha. but actually, i think talking about all that really gave me some anxiety. that and the starbucks i had on the way home -.- cause i went home early like at 5 to finish and turn in college apps. i didn't understand why andrew said i had until 9pm. so i turned them in at 9:30pm. then it said i turned in on jan 2 12:30am. i was like. WHATTHESHIT. and got an anxiety attack. fuck dude. called a bunchhh of people and nobodyy picked up! except for when i finally called taka and he told linxi for me that i needed her. and linxi calmed me and helped me through the college thing. aye.

jan 2nd. worked on more college apps.

jan 3rd. just chillin and enjoying my last day of winter breakk.

best winter break i've ever had. srsly. ♥