I really hate you right now.

You make me feel disgusted with myself, embarrassed.

I replay it in my head and, I can't get over it.

I replay the withdrawal I fell into afterward with everyone and thing except for my art and, I regret it so badly.

I replay every instance of backlash from my withdrawal and, all I can feel is a different kind of pain.

The kind of pain that only friends can cause. Almost a feeling of betrayal - because it is a feeling most unexpected from friendship.


Friendship. A gift that I treasure so deeply.

Eight friendships of mine have deteriorated. I don't even know if I can salvage any of them.

Our friendship deteriorated. Damn, I miss what we had before anything happened so much. It was a cute and pleasant friendship. One that I could go "aww" at. And things just aren't the same anymore.

No matter how you said that things wouldn't change. They have.


I say that I really hate you right now. But really, it's more myself that I hate. How could I be so dumb as to let myself behave this way? I know myself better than anyone and I know what it's like to have friendships deteriorate before my eyes. I should have been stronger. I should have been smarter.

But I have to blame you. It's the only way I can cope with this situation. Man, I didn't even feel this way with Mike.



I wonder what my life would be like now if I had never joined the debate team.

I really hate you right now.