one more supplement to go! finished cu boulder's app today. and OMFG. so it's University of Colorado at Boulder right? so in personal statement, i wrote UC Boulder instead of CU Boulder -__________- FML.
yeah.
ugh.
AIYEUH. speaking of. not really. but anyways. i want something to happen. with. YEAH. aye. idk. everything is like..-________- 2nd semester now so it should be chill cause i'm a senior and everything but FBLA's just getting busy with competition. damn. so much work. esp. BAA. and. idk.
and. i don't know what to do anymore. the reason why i don't confer with her and ask her so many questions because she already has such high expectations and i'm just trying to fill in the president role. i'm trying to be a leader by not having to ask for so much help. i guess it's because my parents are always hovering me that i'm used to doing things on my own. like for as long as i can remember, i've always filled out my own paperwork, registered myself for things, and just have to dealt with stuff on my own. i can be very independent--i take care of myself. so always asking for help and guidance on stuff that you don't need a book to learn from, i'm not used to it. now if i tried to express this to her, i'm sure she would find some way to throw it in my face. being sincere with her doesn't work. she talked about feeling empathy for someone. why doesn't she take her own advice? she doesn't know where i'm at in my life right now. i walk into a room and i see a box. it's closed. despite all the somewhat personal information that i give away about myself, i AM a closed person. i am realizing that now. i have walls. they are just deeper than the average. i'll tell people who i have a crush on but my seriously deep feelings? i don't tell people.
she doesn't understand who i am. and no, i am not one of those "nobody understands me, poor me" people. it's just that. SHE specifically doesn't seem to understand me. she goes with negative approaches. uses negative reinforcement. i'm like Aang from the last airbender. when toph had a negative attitude and approach with him while teaching him, he couldn't do shit. same with me. i respond well to POSITIVE reinforcement. and i get that i'm gonna get a bunch of shit in the real world but why do i need to try to adjust to it NOW? i'm stubborn and it's not going to work while i'm only 17 years old.
i love how well she does with FBLA and i am completely grateful and appreciative for all that she does do. it's just that. her take and view and approach on things when it comes to dealing with the human psych--i don't agree with. makes me feel like she doesn't believe in me or anybody else. she has no faith. she's only happy when something goes well. but once something goes bad, out comes the whip.
she says that when something goes wrong, the person at top get blamed for it. but wth. what does that teach the people who DID do something wrong? am i really the best person to try to fix them and discipline them? i'm not much older than them nor do i even have their respect (not that i've done anything to really earn it anyways).
she says that i have to work extra hard to work with them esp. since they are all new and young. that i am to utilize my seniority and experience to help them. but i don't get it. i'm not even that trained myself. do i have experience? yes. but am i a trained leader? no. i'm not. these past few years while working as an officer, i've been going with the motions. nobody has trained me. all she threw at me were negative words about how she is so disappointed in me. what does that instill in me? nothing great, that's for sure. i receive no motivation or inspiration from her.
i am the only senior member. that means it's MUCH harder for me than for past presidents. put any of them in my position (and esp. my circumstances) and i'm sure they wouldn't be able to do THAT much better. they'd still get bitched at because the team failing to show leadership. unless they are super amazing and just have this aurora that gets people to work. that's something that she should possess. that's something i wish to possess.
i would love to tell her all of this. in a mature conversation from person to person. with all due respect. but again. she'll throw it in my face somehow. she does it every time. and i'm a fragile person. i'm sensitive. i'll crack. i can't help it. i wish i could but i can't. yeah, i should be a leader and just take it like one. but guess what. again, i haven't received the proper training and i'm just not as amazing as one would expect of a president. she needs to adjust her perception and view of things. seriously. i love working so closely with FBLA but honestly, she makes it very hard and unappealing. i can't wait to be done with this.
No comments:
Post a Comment