i am at a loss

a loss of weight! lols.

in a week of super low carb dieting (originally no carb diet but I just couldn't help myself), i've lost five pounds. but that's only when i weigh myself in the morning. throughout the day, i gain a lot of water weight and i get bloated from eating so much meat and vegetables. i can fit into the debut dress but i want to look better in it. for the next two weeks, i'm going to wake up early to run on the tread mill while still maintaining my super low carb diet. let's see if this works.

i lurve FBLA. i have to say. it's pretty fucking cool. better than the rest of the student organizations out there (or "clubs"). :) or maybe it's just how my preference is set. but yeah.

i really hope i get into syracuse or wm. i reallyyyy do. fuck.

shaken.

terribly shaken. nothing is right anymore.

almost done.

one more supplement to go! finished cu boulder's app today. and OMFG. so it's University of Colorado at Boulder right? so in personal statement, i wrote UC Boulder instead of CU Boulder -__________- FML.

yeah.

ugh.


AIYEUH. speaking of. not really. but anyways. i want something to happen. with. YEAH. aye. idk. everything is like..-________- 2nd semester now so it should be chill cause i'm a senior and everything but FBLA's just getting busy with competition. damn. so much work. esp. BAA. and. idk.

and. i don't know what to do anymore. the reason why i don't confer with her and ask her so many questions because she already has such high expectations and i'm just trying to fill in the president role. i'm trying to be a leader by not having to ask for so much help. i guess it's because my parents are always hovering me that i'm used to doing things on my own. like for as long as i can remember, i've always filled out my own paperwork, registered myself for things, and just have to dealt with stuff on my own. i can be very independent--i take care of myself. so always asking for help and guidance on stuff that you don't need a book to learn from, i'm not used to it. now if i tried to express this to her, i'm sure she would find some way to throw it in my face. being sincere with her doesn't work. she talked about feeling empathy for someone. why doesn't she take her own advice? she doesn't know where i'm at in my life right now. i walk into a room and i see a box. it's closed. despite all the somewhat personal information that i give away about myself, i AM a closed person. i am realizing that now. i have walls. they are just deeper than the average. i'll tell people who i have a crush on but my seriously deep feelings? i don't tell people.

she doesn't understand who i am. and no, i am not one of those "nobody understands me, poor me" people. it's just that. SHE specifically doesn't seem to understand me. she goes with negative approaches. uses negative reinforcement. i'm like Aang from the last airbender. when toph had a negative attitude and approach with him while teaching him, he couldn't do shit. same with me. i respond well to POSITIVE reinforcement. and i get that i'm gonna get a bunch of shit in the real world but why do i need to try to adjust to it NOW? i'm stubborn and it's not going to work while i'm only 17 years old.

i love how well she does with FBLA and i am completely grateful and appreciative for all that she does do. it's just that. her take and view and approach on things when it comes to dealing with the human psych--i don't agree with. makes me feel like she doesn't believe in me or anybody else. she has no faith. she's only happy when something goes well. but once something goes bad, out comes the whip.

she says that when something goes wrong, the person at top get blamed for it. but wth. what does that teach the people who DID do something wrong? am i really the best person to try to fix them and discipline them? i'm not much older than them nor do i even have their respect (not that i've done anything to really earn it anyways).

she says that i have to work extra hard to work with them esp. since they are all new and young. that i am to utilize my seniority and experience to help them. but i don't get it. i'm not even that trained myself. do i have experience? yes. but am i a trained leader? no. i'm not. these past few years while working as an officer, i've been going with the motions. nobody has trained me. all she threw at me were negative words about how she is so disappointed in me. what does that instill in me? nothing great, that's for sure. i receive no motivation or inspiration from her.

i am the only senior member. that means it's MUCH harder for me than for past presidents. put any of them in my position (and esp. my circumstances) and i'm sure they wouldn't be able to do THAT much better. they'd still get bitched at because the team failing to show leadership. unless they are super amazing and just have this aurora that gets people to work. that's something that she should possess. that's something i wish to possess.

i would love to tell her all of this. in a mature conversation from person to person. with all due respect. but again. she'll throw it in my face somehow. she does it every time. and i'm a fragile person. i'm sensitive. i'll crack. i can't help it. i wish i could but i can't. yeah, i should be a leader and just take it like one. but guess what. again, i haven't received the proper training and i'm just not as amazing as one would expect of a president. she needs to adjust her perception and view of things. seriously. i love working so closely with FBLA but honestly, she makes it very hard and unappealing. i can't wait to be done with this.

2010, baby

damn. 2010.

fawk, dude. i've had one helluva winter break! no really. it was pretty amazing.

kicked it off with a Christmas MCDA dinner at some restaurant at the Americana--it was sooo pretty there! i thought we were gonna feel out of place because we all dressed up but i think we we fit in just fine. haha. oh, and melissa got the three of us necklaces from forever21! aw, she's so cute. i felt bad. i was gonna make my giftcards for them but..noo time. i was already rushing to make a few others'. >.<>
then the next day i had a section meeting. afterwards, i helped out at the tree lot againn! i love those firefighters! i was thinking of sending them a card. but. i got lazy. lawls. and sunday. hm. what did i do on sunday? oh. my computer got a virus. -.-. and then when i tried to save music files on my phone. my phone got fucked up, too. -.-. AIYEUHH. my dad got really mad.

then, monday! wow. long blog. haha. MACK photoshoot at kara's! but maggie couldn't go ): but it was funn. like earlier in the morning, i tried to take my permit test but i totally forgot that i needed to bring my pink slip..i lost the fucking shit T.T. so i have to wait to get back to school to get another one. but yeah. afterwards, got some blanks CDs at staples and an 8gb flash drive to back up all my files and stuff. then. off to kara's! man, it was fun.

my Christmas was pretty fun. went to the aunt's house in Long Beach and it was a good turnout for cousins! i met daren's parents, i love them! they're so nice. hehe. will i have to call him uncle daren when they finally get married? hm. we'll see. he's such cool beans. THAT'S WHY I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE. lawls. haha. just kidding.

next day, went to float decorating with maggie. so gay--i got my period -________- but our supervisor, you know, the people in the red coats, barbara was really nicee. she likes me. hahah. i told her and she totally took care of me. dude, their Giant Nine Inch Hot Dog is redundant in its name but sooo good! well, with chili it is! haha. afterwards, joseph dropped me, maggie, and alvin at my house. had some hot chocolate and chilled and talked for a bit.

27th, chillaxed a little, worked on college apps, and other things. that i forgot. haha.

nextt day. 28th. went back to float decorating cause i actually really like it! haha. andrew dropped me off at alex's so i got a ride with him. barbara totally rememberedd me :) oh! and saw SEM kids! huy and kevin. haha huy's funny. fiesta floats had a lot of news stations there. oh! i saw the rose court. prettier in person but..not by much. haha. i feel bad for them, everybody's saying "rose court? ugly this year." lulz. we all went out to eat for lunch, it was fun! i love hanging out with just guys. then left at 2pm. got home. and sleptt.

oh jeez. i did so much over break! 29th, phoi picked me up to go to patty's. we all went the fashion district for dressess. then purple thai afterwards. and patty's afterwards. it was a cute day. haha. got home at 5. went to 300 bowling at 6 with bryant and alvin for adopt a chapter. and then maria's italian kitchen for our dinner meeting. haha asides from getting business done, it was funn! keke. the waiter totally wanted me ;) LOL. just kidding. hahaha. but when i handed him a $100 bill to pay for my dinner, he was like "ballin!" LOL! hahaha.

31st! NYE! had like a brunch thing at 888 dim sim with the family. haha. my grandma is so cute. when we tell her to do the peace sign, she like..throws it out there. lawls. then nye lunch with MCD at elephant bar! it was GOODD. then i get home like around 5ish. left for patty's party and got there at like 5:55pm! haha. 5 minutes early. and PATTY WASN'T THERE. lolls. she was out with jenle getting more food. dad actually let me stay past midnight. like. my sister really spoke for me. so. thank god. haha. lovee her. party was fun! didn't get to play King ): i think that's like. the first time i haven't played at patty's. wow. andd alex came too! haha. i invited devang too but his ride bailed. but yeah. alex got there around 11:45ish. and then left like at 12:30? his mom doesn't trust me LOL. oh. the night was totally filled with polaroids! or just instant photos. haha. but yeah. and i got home around 1:30. dad was totally pissed cause i was supposed to be home earlier. oh well. hahaha.

and damn. okay. so 2010. jan 1. get together at grandma's house. i saw my cousinn alex (not aforementioned alex lolls) who i haven't seen in like 3 years! but yeah. most of my age group cousins were there. we talked about college a lott. one of them tried to persuade me to go to a JCC or take a year off, i was like..no -.- hahaha. but actually, i think talking about all that really gave me some anxiety. that and the starbucks i had on the way home -.- cause i went home early like at 5 to finish and turn in college apps. i didn't understand why andrew said i had until 9pm. so i turned them in at 9:30pm. then it said i turned in on jan 2 12:30am. i was like. WHATTHESHIT. and got an anxiety attack. fuck dude. called a bunchhh of people and nobodyy picked up! except for when i finally called taka and he told linxi for me that i needed her. and linxi calmed me and helped me through the college thing. aye.

jan 2nd. worked on more college apps.

jan 3rd. just chillin and enjoying my last day of winter breakk.

best winter break i've ever had. srsly. ♥