Waves & Braids

More like braids and then waves. In my hurrr. Did it for Friday -- it was really cute. Did it today. Not as cute but effect is still established, lol.

I guess I just like the presence. I don't know what else it is. His absence = no bueno. His presence = me being content. Him talking = mixed feelings. I just want to be able to chiiiiiilll. Just to enjoy each other's company.

Today, my professor was talking about..statistical data and how to gather it and blah blah and she used as an example that 95% of depressed people are more in touch with reality than those who aren't depressed.

Am I depressed?

I'll find that out next week.

Ten Thoughts

1. I'm realizing that I am perfectly content with doing things by myself. I was never allowed to frequently hang out with friends when I was back at home so I was always able to find things to do on my own within my bedroom - i.e. making/fixing/altering clothes, watching shows online, reading books, making cards, dressing up, etc. In that sense, I am very independent. I don't need others to go with me to get food, I don't need others to help me do things unless I actually can't do it on my own..I just don't need people in that way. So I guess you can say that dorm life is very different for me in the sense that I'm not used to be around people 24/7. I'm having a difficult time adjusting.
   
   
2. I've been going to the gym as often as I can. Just not the weekends. Being lazy is what the weekend is for. I can't wait for my new body :)
   
   
3. The Big Bang Theory..it's funny. I'm not like I LOVE THAT SHOW but I really do love Sheldon, haha!
   
   
4. I don't do parli anymore, but now I do impromptu. ...
   
   
5. I'm also realizing I don't have the best long-term interpersonal skills that I thought I had. Not good.
   
   
6. I put together a drawer/cabinet/nightstand-like thing for my room all by myself. I feel like such a BAMF. haha.
   
   
7. I can't wait for next year. I won't have to live in Southwest anymore..
   
   
8. Only four months left of freshman year! Damn.
   
   
9. "Boo" is my new word. Not boo as in "BOO! I SCARED YA!" but as in "booooo, that sucks."
   
   
10. Suuuuuuuch a toooool. Wasn't like that before.. and soooo cute. The hell. Boooo.

David vs. Goliath

Really? David just throws a pebble at Goliath's head and Goliath is defeated?

I'm not mocking the bible or anything but..really? David must've had bombass arms to sling that pebble against Goliath's head to really knock him out.

So unrealistic.

Science ftw haha.

In art history class right now. I'm so completely unsure about what exactly I'm supposed to take notes on. The stories the professor is telling about each artist? What are depicted in each image that the professor says? So confused.

Boredom Rings

At the library right now, working. Not studying, but working. My job. I am an employee. I work at the circulation desk. I've been working since 11 PM, which isn't that bad actually. But it's the first day of school. Not many here.

So I'm bored.

I hate boys. Like. Really? REALLY? Really. Really!

Really.

lolol. Seriously though.

First day of school wasn't bad. I'm nervous about my intro micro class. Tomorrow I have watercolor painting. That should be funn.

Will I still be on the speech and debate team after tomorrow night? Who knows. I don't think I will be. We'll have to wait and see. There are supposed to be new changes. Maybe those changes will keep me. Maybe not.

This is really a random post. Boredom rings.

I'm thinking about doing 5 years instead of 4 years for college. Double major. So then maybe I won't need to spend time in grad school for my MBA? Maybe I should just not be lazy and go for the MBA. But a bachelor's in business marketing would be more useful than just a minor in business management. Sigh. What to do..

I guess I'll leave now.

Wait!

Went to the gym yesterday and I went earlier today (Monday). I'm sore as hell. But it feels good. New year's res: so far, so good.

Peace.

Terrible

Because I feel shitty. And I really want to try and cry it all out. Let the dam burst. But the well is all dried up, I suppose.

I wonder how this semester will treat me. I wonder how I will react.

Fool

You never cared. You never gave a shit about me. Not one iota.

And I was a fool to think otherwise.

Fucked Up

Right after you left, all I could feel was used.

Every day, for at least a moment or two, I'm reminded of what happened and I replay the incident in my mind in ridiculous detail. And then I begin to feel this dull, numbing pressure in my chest. It's pain. Pain because I can't believe I let it happen. Pain because I feel so disgusted. Embarrassed.

Ashamed.

I feel this every time. Every day. I blame myself and I hate it.

Because I feel so used.

Now, all I can do is ponder whether I'll ever be good enough for anyone. No matter how many girlfriends of mine assure me that I am, there's a hole in my wall of confidence. I admit, I have my insecurities and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not beautiful. I've never felt that way. But you would think, after what happened, it would restore any confidence I had in myself because..someone wanted me, right? Wrong.

Even just thinking about seeing you again is a heart-wrench. Even just thinking about you, the way you are, the way you act, and the way you talk makes me want to slap you hard in the face.

And the worst part? The loneliness. It's unbearable. There is nobody who can help me get through this. Because it's something, unfortunately, that I have to try to survive from on my own. And it's unbearable.

I don't even know if I'll come out strong at the end.


I have no idea how I'll handle myself the next time I see you. All I know is that you fucked me up. I'm fucked up.

Ten Thoughts

1. Black Swan was fucking weird. But it was good. I closed my eyes for pretty much all of the unpleasant scenes. Both Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis did a stunning job. And ballet is beautiful.
   
   
2. I don't feel all that different now that we are existing in the year 2011. I feel slightly different, I guess. Eh, kinda, sorta, not really. My only resolution: gym.
   
   
3. I used to be excited to go back to school. Then I was reminded of a personal issue that had developed beneath my fish drama. I'm not really that excited to back to school anymore. Plus, I've become pretty fucking lazy, nowadays. Four weeks is too damned long.
   
   
4. I really, really, really love FictionPress author Tijan. She is just so amazing. I just finished "A Whole New Crowd" and I absolutely loved it. I plan on re-reading "Sentiment Lost" next. My, oh my.
   
   
5. I've been feeling all sorts of emotional pains, lately. It's grating on my nerves. My non-stop thinking is hitting me full-force.
   
   
6. I miss my dollhouse of a home. I miss the city of San Gabriel. I miss my old bedroom. I miss having all my immediate family living under the same roof. I miss my dad.
   
   
7. I remember the first weekend I spent away from school was for the first speech and debate tournament of the season at SFSU. I had missed my floormates and just the campus alone terribly. And I was only gone for three days. I've been without them for four weeks and I don't miss them an ounce. I don't mean to say this with any heat, just a matter of fact. And I feel badly that I don't miss them. But really, how could you blame me? I'm not really part of the clique they've formed. I feel like an outsider whenever I'm with them. How could I miss the people whom, lately, have been seeming to disregard me every time?
   
   I'll admit, however, it is a two-way street. I've been pretty self-absorbed with my own issues. Or rather, issue. I can't help the fact that my one issue really took its toll on me. I am also partly to blame.
   
   I am trying not to care. I am trying to be indifferent. Indifferent to every instance where it is obvious that my floormates absolutely adore my roommate and really don't feel the same way at all about me. It's difficult, though.
   
   Being indifferent is not who I am. It's difficult to go against who you are.
   
   
8. So far, really, every guy in my life has turned out to be a douchebag. No, I take that back. One guy wasn't a douchebag. He's happily with someone else. And I'm happy for him. But that was high school. I thought college guys had matured by now?
   
   Ha.
   
   
9. I cannot decide whether or not I want to drop speech and debate. I think I have to wait and see how our first practice after break goes.
   
   
10. I'm hungry.
    

A Whole New Crowd

I love FictionPress author Tijan. "A Whole New Crowd" is just so amazing. And cute.

He kissed my shoulder and whispered, "I've fallen for you."

I sobbed as I was curled in a fetal position with Tray pressed behind me.

He whispered again, “I’m fallen for the girl that walked down that hallway and told me to fuck myself. I’ve fallen for the girl who cares so much about her sister, about her psycho ex, his brother…about people who she considers family that she’d do anything for them, including going to jail. I’ve fallen for the girl who swears at me when she’s happy, who’ll fight to the bitter end if it means she’ll come out standing.”

I never stopped sobbing as I felt his words. I felt the battle that was inside.

I let go.

And I let the dam out—one splash at a time.

Tray continued and pressed a kiss to the side of my jaw, “I’ve fallen for the girl who can tell me to fuck off. Who can have a staring contest with Amber, Jasmine, and whoever else and walk away after they’ve been reduced to piles. I’ve fallen for the girl…who can bring me to my knees, over and over again. And then press a hand to my cheek and lift me back up.”

I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t…do anything, but feel what was consuming me.

Everything.

My shoulders shook and I rolled over to meet his gaze.

Tray cupped my cheek with his hand. He whispered tenderly, “I’ve fallen for a girl who makes me humble, who makes me notice people like your nerdy friend, who…can make me think twice before I say something, who can…make me want to be a better person, a better man. I’ve fallen for that girl.”

I kissed him. A full-out wet, tear-soaked kiss.

I poured everything into it. Everything I couldn’t say.

Tray answered and rolled me onto my back. He kissed me tenderly back.

It was still in there. That feeling, the one I wanted to rip out of me. But…there was something else. Something that hadn’t been there—ever.

Hope.

And Tray had been the one to put that there.

He wasn’t the one who’d fallen. He was just the only one who could say it with words. I showed him instead.

That night we made love."